Memory lapse

After I publish a blog post I don’t normally re read it. I’ve spent all the time I’m willing to spend on it putting all my business out there. Reading it again would just make me question myself and whether I really should have written something for the world (ok, like maybe 20 people) to see.

Last night though I decided I would read everything I’ve posted lately because something I was writing about seemed vaguely familiar. Sure enough, in the third post I read, there it was.

Curiously I read the rest of the posts and after I was done I was like “Hey self, that was some pretty good advice. Why am I not following it?”

The only explanation I can come up with is that since I don’t re read my posts after I publish them maybe they aren’t sticking when I give myself solid advice. Another reason may be that I’ve been so numb lately I can barely remember whether or not I’ve already shampooed my hair in the shower.

That may seem a little scary to some of you, but I promise if you are one of those people who depend on me for certain responsibilities there is no need to worry. I’m a completely functional depressed, hormonally “sane,” woman. Honest.

I am human after all. I think we as a society buy into this belief that we are all supposed to be so perfectly happy that we feel like we have to hide our bad days and fake our way through life. Well, life just ain’t like that so-ci-e-ty (Nana-nana-boo-boo voice, of course). Stuff happens. And even when stuff isn’t happening sometimes it’s just hard to be happy.

That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or can’t take care of my responsibilities. It just means I’m sad. That’s all. I don’t have the plague despite the fact that people all over Facebook appear to have caught the blues too. Treat me as you would any other sad person.

However, I am going to start taking some of my good advice and get over this funk I keep falling back into. What was it again?

Oh yeah, Get over it!

So, I just wanted to let everyone know, all 20 of you, that I’m going on record that this will be my last post on this issue. I need to pull my self out of the mud and start looking at the world and my life with rose colored glasses.

Yes, it will still be hard and I will still have bad days (and also not much to write about) but wallowing in my sadness is not going to make it any better. I have good friends and family who care about me and want to help me and that is all I can ask for.

Well, that, and maybe some better pills.

Watery colors

I decided my next attempt at trying this “me time,” thing was to get back into painting and drawing on a small scale. I just painted Delores’ room, I painted a mural in Lydia’s room and a plaque for my sister-in-law for Christmas but I haven’t done anything on canvas or paper in quiet some time. Since before Josh and I were married in fact.

The thought of dragging out my art case and all my bottles of paint and mixing all my colors before I made any real progress was a rather daunting thought. Enough to make me give up before I even get started.

Then I thought “Hey, self. Watercolors. Easy to set up. Mostly pre mixed. Easy to clean and put away.” It’s not my favorite medium but I figured this would be the quickest way to accomplish a painting and build my confidence so I don’t dread the thought of a more detailed work and give up before I even get started.

Cause sometimes you just have to play mind games with yourself.

I found a sketch of a feather I did in high school and I painted it and gave it a background. It took me about 3 days. Thirty minutes here. Ten minutes there. But I completed something and overall I am pleased with it.

But there was one thing I didn’t like about it. The picture had no real meaning to me. I am not goo goo over feathers or rainbows (which, by the way, I didn’t realize I had done until it was complete). I just did it because it looked simple.

The more I thought about it though and the more I looked at the finished product I realized it did have some meaning that applied to my life. It did kind of reflect how I’ve been feeling lately. Watery, fluid, floating, in a place that feels broken, deserted and isolated. The vibrate colors of the feather represents how I want to feel. Where as the placement of the feather and the aimless floating, but frozen in time, represents how I feel now.

Maybe it will show me even more as I continue to study it.

Isn’t it interesting how art comes through you to mean something significant and personal to your life and situation even when you are not attempting to?

That’s why I love art and love making art. It isn’t about how it looks or even if it turned out how you’d hoped it would. It is about expressing yourself and your feelings.

I’m so glad I forced myself to do it. Even if I did get extremely frustrated with my lack of free time and alone time to actually work on it.

Now to move on to my next project. A three-piece depiction of something very dear to me with mixed media.

Motivation.

Being a women stinks

Not literally. But seriously, it is not fun. One day I feel fine. Happy even and feel I’m ready to take on anything the day throws at me. The next I may feel like I can’t even get out of bed and this may last for a week or a month at a time. Why?

Honestly I don’t know. You probably know what I’ve been going through lately if you’ve been keeping up with my latest posts, but if you don’t go read them! Just paraphrasing though I had a mini melt down in which I realized I just need to do more things I enjoy more often and let go of the petty stuff. However, this is harder than it sounds. Time is short and freedom to indulge myself without thinking of the needs of other people around me is nonexistent. And thus frustration with myself gets even worse.

So why do I allow myself to feel this way? Why does my mood swing from high and then crash to the ground? Well, like I said I don’t really know, but I have a theory.

This morning I woke up in the best mood. That’s strange. What changed exactly?

The weather. Yesterday it was warm outside and today it was almost hot. I actually had to turn the air on while the girls napped so they wouldn’t burn up in their beds. It is a commonly known scientific fact that there is really a disorder that rises up in people during the winter months called the Winter Blues or Cabin Fever (there is probably a medical term but I don’t feel like being a fancy nancy right now and looking it up). Some are affected more than others. Hence the story line for Steven King’s The Shining.

Last week was probably the worst week I’ve had in a long time. Why? Well it snowed. The colder it is the bluer I get.

Another theory is that I’m a woman. Hormones. As Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory says “Women are slaves to their hormones.” And there is nothing we can do about it. There obviously is a cycle that affects our mood. Some more than others unfortunately. My body was preparing a place for a baby to grow through ovulation last week so my hormones were surging. Surging hormones means an abundance of emotions.

And yet another theory is that some people are predisposed to be more sensitive to environmental changes, hormonal changes, and triggers for depression. Either by genes they were born with or by the hardships in their lives.

I have been struggling with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. I would be fine for a while, years in fact, and then suddenly it seems to come over me from nowhere and I cannot shake it. Then I have to go on medicine again.  

I have to admit that I really do not like this about myself. Being a Christian I think why can’t I just get over this with the grace of God and trust him? Why can’t I just be normal and enjoy my life? Forcing myself into guilt, which doesn’t help the situation at all.

So you see I have been affected by the weather, my hormonal changes, and my history of depression over the past few months. When you combine all these volatile ingredients into one confined person it doesn’t take very much pressure for it to explode.

What does this have to do with being a woman and the fact that it sucks? Well, another commonly known scientific fact is that these three things affect women more it affects men. Therefore, more women suffer from depression than men.

Yay! (Sarcasm, if you couldn't tell)

What I would give not to have to struggle with these things ever again. Could you imagine? Waking up feeling the same happiness everyday regardless of the weather, what time of the month it is or the genetic predisposition of metal illness. I’m telling ya, I think I would throw a party everyday to celebrate my contentedness.

So for you who are not suffering hug a friend who is. For you who are, you are not alone and remember in just a little over a month it will be spring and warm and God’s beautiful creation will sing songs, bloom in beautiful sweet smelling flowers and shine down on your face for YOUR enjoyment.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Forgot about the things that don’t really matter and don’t make yourself guilty over not having the cleanest house or the best meals or being the best social butterfly. You will feel up to it soon. Just take it easy for a while.

It will get better.

Teetering on a tightrope

Taking time for myself during the week has been much harder than I thought it would be. I figured I would have at least 30 minutes a day to do something I love. However, I discovered that my 30 minutes was spread out over the whole day. Ten minutes at naptime. Ten minutes while Josh gives the girls a bath. Ten minutes while Josh is in the shower after the girls are in bed. That just does not work for me. After I start something I have to get to a stopping point before I can move on to something else. I just don’t fit in that neat little 10 minute box.

It has been extremely frustrating because my desire to create is so strong that it has over taken most of my thoughts. Now that I’ve unleashed this desire I can’t make it go away. I need to be me and I don’t want to lose myself again.

Our counselor said that the women’s right movement was a great thing that happened to our society but it sent the wrong message to women everywhere: That we have to be everything all at the same time. A wife, a mother, an employer, an employee, a teacher, a friend, a daughter. What the movement turned women into is exhausted and stretched to their limits. At their wits end and losing their sense of identity.

It has been so engrained in us that we just don’t know how to separate our roles and function properly at each area playing one role at a time.

This is where my struggle lays. Before I had this mini meltdown from not tending to my needs everything was rolling right along. Day in and day out. Same old, same old. I had two roles. Stay at home mom/homeschooler and wife. I was depressed, but I was functioning. Now I got this other thing going on in my head and I just don’t know to make it fit in to the other parts of my life.

I don’t know which is worse. Going through life numb and wishing you could do something else or knowing what you want to do and everything in your life prevents you from doing it.

Is it worth the struggle or do you think this is God telling my to reprioritize? I don’t know.

I’m going to keep pushing to find the time though. My laundry may pile up, there may be an inch of dust on my furniture, or a pile of dishes in the kitchen sink and we may have sandwiches for dinner, but I will be happy.

I just hope my family can be happy along with me too. After all, I have been selflessly taking care of everyone’s needs for 4 years. I hope that this will finally be the time to start taking care of mine.

Climbing the mountain

Or at least a wall

If you’ve read my last 5 posts you know that I’ve had a mini meltdown and pretty much wrote my way through a progression to enlightenment that I need to do more things that I enjoy and nurture my creative side by taking my time for myself and making my needs a priority.

My first attempt was to fulfill my first goal of monthly date day/night. My second attempt was to try something I’ve always wanted to do but had talked myself out of doing over and over again. Indoor rock climbing.

I’d much rather be outdoors in nature but that’s a little scary to take on and I don’t really do outdoors when it’s cold (underweight, remember?).

So, last Saturday night Josh and I set out to reawaken my identity. With butterflies in my stomach I listened to the little high school girl tell me how to do this but don’t do this. I could barely concentration as we stood in front of the towering wall. Then she asks the question. “Who wants to go first?”

Eek! Well, of course. Josh “volunteered” to go first (probably because the look on face said “Um, not me”) and then she tells me that I need to hook up to this line bolted to the floor because he is so much bigger than I am and that when he comes down I will probably fly off the floor.

Do what?! Then she tells me “Yeah, you probably picked the hardest job to do first.” Oh, well, that is just perfect!

Sure enough, he comes down and up I go. That was…interesting. terrifying. painful.

Then it was my turn. After that the wall didn’t look so scary. I went right up to the top and touched the beam to the ceiling. I came down and Josh said the look on my face was priceless. All I could say was “That was so fun. Let’s do it again.”

So we did. Over and over again until my arms felt like jello. It was so exhilarating.

While it was good to get out without the kids and have some fun getting out of my comfort zone, I also learned some things:

I am much more capable of things than I give myself credit for.

I enjoy physical activities and pushing myself to my limits.

My rear end is much bigger than I thought it was.

It pays to take time for myself.

Now that I’ve gotten a taste for nurturing my inner spirit I want more. It’s like an addiction and I don’t want it to end. All I have to do is just figure out how I’m going to balance my responsibilities with my fun. Hmm…

Well, I’ll figure that out later but for now I’m setting out on my next attempt to indulge in my artistic side and break out my paints.

By the way, I couldn’t have this without my partner in life. Ok well I could, but that would just be no fun.

Finally...new resolutions

I’ve talked a good talk about taking more time for myself and finding myself again but really have yet to do that. I have cycles where I’m okay and I push through the day-to-day responsibilities as long as I can and then something happens that pushes me over the edge and I have a mini emotional meltdown. Much like any other emotional problem. If you ignore something that is bothering you long enough eventually it will come to the surface in an ugly way.

My problem is that I have two different personalities, which often battle it out for my immediate attention. My Type A personality usually wins because it deals more with my day-to-day activities of taking care of the girls and the house. My artistic personality suffers but will obviously not let me forget that I need time to express myself creatively. The problem occurs when I let my Type A personality takes precedence over my creative, artistic personality for too long and then I have an inner battle, which presents itself into a whiny emotional wreck.

However, I’ve realized that for me to be able to express my self creatively and take time for myself without guilt or without forgetting my other responsibilities I need my Type A personality to set that up.

Lately I’ve been talking about goals and resolutions. Things that don’t work and things I want to change. Now that I’ve done all that background work here is my official list of resolutions compiled from my list on my last post Little Confessions. Just 24 days late for the New Year.

1. Get out of my comfort zone and make new friends and kindle old friendships. Be myself more and don’t be afraid of what people think.

I’m the worst at making myself believe that I’m not interesting enough to be like and I’d just be better off not trying than being let down. What I’ve discovered is that a bad interaction with someone who may not like me very much is better than no interaction at all with anyone older than the age of 4. Not everyone is going to like me and I’m okay with that because I have a heavenly Father who loves me just the way I am when no one else will.

2. Let myself go to do new things and not get caught up in failure.

I get caught up in failing at something before I even try. I miss out on some good things because I’m just afraid it won’t turn out right or I’ll be embarrassed. I was reminded recently however, when my dear husband took to the ice with his 4 year old to give her an experience she had been begging for at least a year, that it doesn’t matter if you fail or if you look ridiculous it is the experience and the fact that you tried that really matters.

3. Get over my guilt to take care of myself emotionally.

I’m human. I have needs and that is ok. If my husband wants to splurge on me, I need to let him. If I need new shoes, clothes, makeup, purse, whatever, I need to just accept it and enjoy it. As long as Josh and I discuss it and checked our budget first.

4. I have to find a doctor that will take my seriously and care enough to figure out what is going wrong with me. Regardless of price.

I cannot go on much longer riding a hormonally emotional and painful rollercoaster. Something has to be done this year!

Oh and I must eat more chocolate and other things I enjoy and won’t let myself buy. After all, I’m 10 pounds underweight.

5. I want to work toward finding a career that I can do from home.

I will be going back to school to pursue Accounting, Interior Design AND Photography. Because I can and those are the things I enjoy doing. Of course this is going to take more than a year to accomplish but starting this year I will enroll somewhere and start taking classes towards one of those careers.

6. After thinking and researching and praying about being a teacher I have decided against pursuing it. I am a homeschooler and I need to accept that.

But not because I couldn’t handle it (Josh-u-a) but because my heart just doesn’t lay with a school system. If I won’t send my kids to school then why would I want to be part of it? I can’t change it unless I want to go hardcore on being a career woman, not teach my kids at home and be on the school board. So I just need to get over it. It’s just not who I am.

7. I need to start looking at my life as building my experience to equip me to speak out to others.

I’d like to be a speaker one day but first I have to gain some life experiences that will give me the credentials so people will listen to me. Yeah, I’ve gone through some heavy stuff, but I’m still young. While I have overcome many battles and struggles through Jesus Christ I still have many more to go. My prayer is that God continues to remind me that his purpose for my trials and hardships is to form a testimony for other people to hear to bring glory to Him.

8. I have to get into nature more and drag my family along with me.

No more whining and complaining Josh! We are going to be out in the hot and we will get dirty and bug bitten and sweaty and I can’t wait. But please don’t make me do it until it gets warmer. Lol.

9. I need to enjoy my home more.

Living with concrete floors for a while is ok but it isn’t pleasing to me. I realize that decorating every room in a house takes money but I refuse to be okay with the fact that I don’t love the way my house looks. When we first moved in here we thought it would be our starter home. Five years tops. Then we lost our jobs, went back on our credit cards and had 2 kids. So much for that. But instead of saying “I hate it here. I can’t wait till we can move.” I’ve decided that I’m ready to accept that I’m going to be here a while and I need to enjoy it by making it my own.

Besides if I’m going to do this Interior design thing I need to start building a portfolio. What better way to start than with my own home?

10. Take more chances and try new things.

I don’t know what to do with myself during my free time because I don’t take enough chances and try new things so that I can find things I enjoy doing by myself or with my husband.

Also, I need to not fret so much over a clean house, empty laundry baskets and perfect meals my kids won’t even eat in the first place. As long as everyone has clean clothes, a full belly and can find what they are looking for the rest doesn’t matter. These are not the things children and family remember anyway (unless they are just that vain). They remember the feelings of the times we spent together. And that is important.

It all boils down to this: I need more quality time with myself to do things I enjoy and to develop my identity again. If I do that, I’ll be a happy mom and wife. Then I will have a happy family. And a happy family has more fun and makes better memories. Better memories gives hope for a wonderful future. And a wonderful future means grandkids, retirement, travel and unlimited date nights! But it all starts with me.

So bring it on 2014. I WILL tackle life’s attempts to keep me down. Starting with indoor rock climbing tomorrow on our new tradition of monthly date night.

Oh yeah. Bring. It. On.

Little confessions

I don’t really believe in New Years resolutions. I get why people do them but, personally, I’ve never really seen a point in setting goals I know I’m not going to reach and then getting all depressed at myself when the next New Year rolls around again and I haven’t accomplished anything. God’s got this. Why do I need to plan anything?

Also, it really bothers me when society or the world says I just gotta do something like the end of the world is gonna come if I don’t. If I’m going to make a goal or resolution it’s going to be because it is something I really want to happen in my life and I’m not going to wait around till January 1st to get going on it.

Despite my attempt to go against the grain I was reminded that, apparently it is important for people to have goals. Something to keep them going and to strive for so they don’t get sucked into the same old, same old and then snap and throw themselves off the top of their office building. Or in my case off the roof of my house as you may have noticed I definitely have felt like doing lately. Okay, so maybe not everyone would turn out that way, but you get the picture.

So, I decided I should attempt this resolution thing, even if I am getting a late start, in hopes that setting some goals would give me the drive to get off my pity pot, explore different things, rediscover myself and find happiness from within.

Of course I couldn’t just go about this all willy nilly so I did a little research. There are several different theories of goals. Most encompass 3 different areas. Long term, medium term and short term. To break each area down even further there are 7 to 8 different types of goals a person can set. After reviewing several different theories I picked one that most applied to my situation and to me.

There is a metaphor describing that these areas in which we set goals need to be balanced as if it were a wheel. If one of these areas is forgotten about the wheel has a bend in it and rides bumpy. If there are several areas that are not dealt with the wheel goes flat and it won’t go anywhere at all or we end up in a wreck. These & areas are as follows: Health, Finances, Career, Physical Surroundings, Relationships, Fun and Hobbies, Time Alone and Personal Growth.

But before I could dive right in and starting setting goals I feel that I have to confess some things about myself so that you can fully understand the depth of my goals. Here are just 10 of my dirty little secrets, for God knows you couldn’t handle them all.

1. I have no friends that I hang out with except for my mom. (Relationships)

2. I feel like there is a deeply artistic person inside of me screaming to come out. I feel like a need to write some poetry, make an independent film, paint some abstract art or just let my emotions go. It has been so hard for me to just be free with my artistic side when my Type A side says everything has to be so structured and done a certain way. (Personal Growth)

3. I feel guilty over any fraction of time or money I spend on myself. Whenever I do anything for myself I have to talk to Josh about it over and over again for a whole day before I feel slightly better about it. (Finances)

4. I am an emotional wreck and in constant pain. Three weeks out of a month I have to force myself to do daily tasks and put on a happy face. What I’d really like to do is curl up in my bed and eat chocolate all day. (Health)

5. I do not like being a stay at home mom. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had. But I’d rather be working for people I love for a worthy cause than a bunch of people I don’t care about for something I don’t believe in. (Career)

6. I like being a teacher. About the only thing that gets me through my day is our homeschooling. I look forward to teaching and enriching their lives and I really have considered going back to school to be a teacher of some sort. Josh says I couldn’t handle it however, so dream shot down there. That’s what I get for marrying a teacher’s son. (Career)

7. I like to preach. Be it to my husband, my kids, my relatives, strangers, Josh’s co-workers (oh yes, I did), etc. Naturally, I have a very preachy tone and volume, which can be misunderstood as a know-it-all tone. But I promise if you are the butt of my preaching it means that I love you enough to be passionately concerned about your circumstance. (Personal growth & relationships)

8. I used to enjoy hiking and camping and getting out into nature. Something I haven’t done much of since I met Josh because I’ve been so wrapped up in other things. (Food & Hobbies)

9. I love and think I have a real knack for interior design. However, coming into my house you wouldn’t know that because I have kids and I can’t have anything nice without it getting messed up. Also I have a lack of funds to make my home picturesque. (Physical surroundings)

10. I have no idea how to take time for myself. At this point my self-time consists of drinking hot tea and watching cooking shows and the Big Bang Theory. Also, I do not have cable or DVR so my self-time has to be strategically planned to enjoy these things otherwise I spend this time cleaning, cooking and doing laundry. (Alone Time)

Now that you have seen some of the areas I believe I need to modify I hope you will better understand the goals I set whenever I get around to it.

So stay tuned to see what I'll try next to get me out of my funk.