Teetering on a tightrope

Taking time for myself during the week has been much harder than I thought it would be. I figured I would have at least 30 minutes a day to do something I love. However, I discovered that my 30 minutes was spread out over the whole day. Ten minutes at naptime. Ten minutes while Josh gives the girls a bath. Ten minutes while Josh is in the shower after the girls are in bed. That just does not work for me. After I start something I have to get to a stopping point before I can move on to something else. I just don’t fit in that neat little 10 minute box.

It has been extremely frustrating because my desire to create is so strong that it has over taken most of my thoughts. Now that I’ve unleashed this desire I can’t make it go away. I need to be me and I don’t want to lose myself again.

Our counselor said that the women’s right movement was a great thing that happened to our society but it sent the wrong message to women everywhere: That we have to be everything all at the same time. A wife, a mother, an employer, an employee, a teacher, a friend, a daughter. What the movement turned women into is exhausted and stretched to their limits. At their wits end and losing their sense of identity.

It has been so engrained in us that we just don’t know how to separate our roles and function properly at each area playing one role at a time.

This is where my struggle lays. Before I had this mini meltdown from not tending to my needs everything was rolling right along. Day in and day out. Same old, same old. I had two roles. Stay at home mom/homeschooler and wife. I was depressed, but I was functioning. Now I got this other thing going on in my head and I just don’t know to make it fit in to the other parts of my life.

I don’t know which is worse. Going through life numb and wishing you could do something else or knowing what you want to do and everything in your life prevents you from doing it.

Is it worth the struggle or do you think this is God telling my to reprioritize? I don’t know.

I’m going to keep pushing to find the time though. My laundry may pile up, there may be an inch of dust on my furniture, or a pile of dishes in the kitchen sink and we may have sandwiches for dinner, but I will be happy.

I just hope my family can be happy along with me too. After all, I have been selflessly taking care of everyone’s needs for 4 years. I hope that this will finally be the time to start taking care of mine.