So, I guess it's about that time

Writing a blog is like writing "dear diary." Except everyone reads your diary and then shares it with their friends and then you walk around all suspicious that everyone is judging you because of your diary confessions. Yeah.

That's why I stopped writing, because life got so bad it was just embarrassing to keep writing about how bad it is.

Since then I've discovered this fact:

"Finding yourself," is a lifelong journey and you change everyday. Duh, right? But when you really think about it, you aren't the same person today as you were yesterday and the person you are today isn't who you are going to be tomorrow. Every experience and moment molds and shapes you into the person you become from day to day.

I think that I believed that once I stopped grieving my miscarriages I would find myself again and that everything would be ok. Like I was just going to wake up one day and BAM, I'd run right into myself. The truth is once something big happens in your life, like having a miscarriage, nothing will ever be the same. Ever. Yourself, takes on a new meaning. I died to my old self one piece at a time after each loss of life and at the realization that I was not going to have anymore children. Every day has taught me something new about myself.

Some days I know how to handle the new things and I take it in passing. Most days I find it hard to accept the development of my new life and resist it way too much creating much anguish in my life.

Now, I could sit here for hours and catch you up to speed on everything that has changed since the last time but I think I'll take the less is more approach and just tell you this:

I'm ok. I love myself. I don't want anymore kids. I love my almost 5 and almost 4 year olds. I'm going back to school to be a teacher and I love it. I'm trying to get use to the idea to sending my kids to school. My marriage is still a struggle everyday, but we love each other so it's ok. I have a few close friends now. I'm not bringing in any income. I have a loveable dog. I'm still emotional, rebellious, creative, artistic and brilliant but I really don't want to be labeled. And I love being me (in a healthy way).

So yeah, that's pretty much it. I'll catch you up as we go along. Come join the ride.

I Remember When

An original poem by none other.

I Remember When...

When sacrifice was a joy, your goal to make me smile.

When you were proud of me, loving me for me.

When work was just work, love was everything.

When your eyes adored me,  longing for my touch.

When I was your world,  nothing came between us.

When flowers,  laughter,  surprises,  dances,  jitters filled our life, 

   goosebumps emerged from your touch.

When you lifted me up, showed me off.

When you valued my opinion, memorized my every word.

When you comforted my heartache,  

   and others made me cry.

When I was yours, you were mine.

When I believed you,

When you said "I love you. "

I remember when...

Not so long ago.

I've got too much (clap clap)...

Recently I went to our church’s Mom-to-Mom get together to get out of the house and accomplish #1 and #2 on my Resolutions post. Make new friends and try new things. I had a good time. I got a break from the kids for about an hour and a half. I got to have conversations with adults of like minds and overall it was just what I needed to break up the week. If you have a chance to do this at your church or at my church, Praise Cathedral, I would highly recommend it. (Check out Prasieladies.org for details) Even if you don’t think you can get anything out of the topic being discussed, force yourself to do it anyway. I promise it will feed your soul.

Which is kind of the situation I found myself in at the meeting. The topic was Organization. Going in I thought, “I’m pretty organized, but I’m always open to suggestions, so, eh, I’ll give it a shot.” Oh man, I had no idea what I would learn about myself after it was all said and done. 

I have way too much time on my hands. I never thought I would say that. In fact I almost don’t even want to write it because I’m afraid all my free time will disappear. Gals (and Husband), I had done almost everything in each area of organization plus some. 

Just an example, one suggestion was to set aside time each week to do your meal planning and shopping and write out your grocery list. I was so embarrassed at how much free time I have I didn’t even tell anyone that I have 5 rotating grocery lists that I edit once every TWO weeks every other Friday afternoon. That is 10 weeks worth of meal planning I don’t even have to worry about. I know, amazing, right?

Another example under the “General Home Organization,” category suggests routinely getting rid of clutter about every 6 months to a year. Go through your home and get rid of anything you don’t use any more. I didn’t speak up on this one either. Every month I go through an area of our home (a drawer, a closet, under the bed, the storage building, the toys, the kids rooms, etc.) and purge, reorganize and group similar items into their own special container of some sort. EVERY MONTH. 

The last example involves cleaning. One suggestion was to tackle one cleaning task each day. You know, laundry on Mondays, dust on Tuesdays, vacuum on Wednesdays. Things like that. First of all, I don’t know who wrote the book we were studying from, but she must have been single because if I waited to do laundry once a week everyone would be running around naked and that would be about the only thing I’d have time for that day. On an average week I do 8 loads of laundry.  If it is an especially dirty or cold week (i.e. snow) you can bet I’m gonna do 10 to 12 loads of laundry a week. And thank God I don’t have to do diaper laundry anymore because that was 3 loads a week by itself. 

Second of all, I could not imagine cleaning my bathroom or dusting or vacuuming every week. I guess I should probably mention here that I hate to clean. So here is what I do. I have a reminder app on my phone and when I clean something for the fist time (since I downloaded the app) I insert what I did into the app and tell it to remind me to do that thing again in 2 weeks, a month, 3 months, 6 months, whenever I feel like it will need to be done again. For example in my phone it is telling me that it is time to cut Rosy’s nails. Saturday I need to vacuum. In 2 months it will be time to clean my washing machine. Everything I’ve ever cleaned is in their with a reminder to do it again sometime in the future. The only thing that isn’t in there is a reminder to clean the windows because I haven’t been able to force myself to do that yet. Obsessive much?

And then with all that over the top organization I still have time to sit outside in the sun and write this. I realized walking away from that meeting that I have a lot to be thankful for. I am truly blessed and that the reason I’ve been so stir crazy is because I really do have too much time on my hands and I am bored. 

So what am I to do? Nothing. I’m happy with being bored. It’s when I find the time to think, spend some time to myself, read, pray, write, whatever I feel like doing or not doing at that time. I’m okay with that. When it warms up I'll be spending more time out of the house and doing more things wIth my family so my time will eventually be filled up soon. 

Sure there is still a ton of stuff I could do right now, but I’ve learned I CANNOT be the perfect mother, wife, friend, person no matter how much extra time I have or what I try to accomplish. I accept my strengths like organizing, planning and teaching my kids life skills. I also accept my weaknesses like cleaning, being awkward in group discussions, and being an emotional wreck sometimes. I am happy to excel in the areas I’m good at and ask for help in areas I suck at. 

I encourage you to do the same. We can’t do it all. But everything we do can be done well. We can’t be perfect but each one of us is a beloved child of God and he can help us with our weaknesses.

In my case that would be getting off my butt and finally cleaning that thing my phone has been reminding to do for 2 weeks. 

Or maybe not.   :)

Missing my two year old

I read a good bit of mom blogs and I’ve noticed that there are 2 types. There is the kind where the moms barely mention their kids and you start to wonder if they really do have kids. And then there is the kind that is all about their kids and you wonder if they are insane and if they ever do anything that doesn’t involve their kids.

My blog posts thus far have mostly resembled the first kind. But, I don’t want my readers to get the wrong idea about me. There has to be a balance. My kids are a HUGE part of my life and I love them more than anything in this world. So, it only makes sense to write about them occasionally.

Their birthdays’ have just came and passed so I thought this would be an appropriate time to write about my Ladies. This will be a 2-part post, sense obviously, I have 2 kids and they each deserve their own post.

Welcome to part 1.

Lydia turned 3 years old yesterday, February 17. Three years old! I can’t believe how quickly time flies by. Every year that passes is bittersweet. Our kids are getting older, which is nice. They don’t need me to do everything for them all the time. But, with it comes new problems and difficulties.

I loved the Twos for both our girls. Whoever came up with the term “Terrible twos,” did not have children like mine. They were so fun. Everything was new and exciting. Everything that came out of their mouths was hilarious and adorable. They were so cute in their little clothes with their little bodies that still had their baby fat and little puffy faces. They had pretty much outgrown all the baby stuff and every day with a 2 year old was amazing as they discovered all the cool things in their world.

The Threes however, has shown to be completely different. About a month ago Lydia started arguing, asserting herself, stealing from her playmates, fussing, bossing and telling us "NO." Ooo wee. I was thinking “what happened to my sweet little girl who was so eager to please, well behaved and tenderhearted?” Oh yeah. She’s about to be 3 and she is starting to push her limits. Naptimes will become shorter or nonexistent and “mommy,” will become “mom.”

‘Tis the year of personality and identity. Finding her place in the world and figuring out exactly what we will let her get away with and what is unacceptable. Just when I was starting to get comfortable with reminders instead of time-outs she unleashes the beast on me.

Delores went through the same thing. Her entire third year I thought she was never going to get it. There were even days where I doubted I could deal with her anymore and of course, I doubted myself.

Honestly, I’m pretty sad about this. Lydia has been my baby. It is going to be hard to get stricter on her and I’m not looking forward to it. I know this is an important milestone in her life which, if she comes out unharmed, will be the determining point in her life where she learns to deal with failure, disappointments, treating others with kindness and empathy, developing language and how to get her point across effectively, developing her outlook on life either positively or negatively and learning to love the Lord with all her heart, soul and mind. It is the most difficult year because thus far I have noticed that this is the most important year for social and emotional growth. Being the person who is with her the most and shaping her everyday I understand I have a big responsibility to her this year. It is up to me to show her the way and develop her love for Christ. That is just a little intimidating.

To me she will always be my sweet baby. Sensitive to other people’s needs and feelings and a funny little actress. It will be interesting to see how she grows and changes this year. But really, can the Three’s just be over with already, please?!

 

Ps. Please enjoy the following pictures of the progression of her life.

Teaching my husband

As I’m sure all of you are well aware we had a good bit of snow this week. So I’m not going to go into how wonderful it was as first and how stir-crazy we got on day #3. It’s all over the internet and you probably felt the same way, so I’ll spare you the boring repeat.

I do want to bring up one wonderful thing about the snow though. Josh got to spend some extra time with us. It was great having him here during the week and really nice getting to spend some extra time together. If I had to be snowed in and trapped in my home I’d definitely want Josh to be the one I went crazy with.

Although, I’m not quite sure he felt the same way. He walked around like a person lost in a maze. Confused about exactly what he should be doing. But, life went on as usual. 

Just because county schools were closed all around us didn’t mean we were going to take time off from our school work. So Josh sat patiently at the table with the Ladies listening to me teach them about February holidays and celebrations after Lydia so sweetly asked me if I would teach daddy too.

This was the first time Josh had ever witnessed lesson time so neither one of us really knew what to expect. All was going well until right towards the end. He started encouraging Lydia to cheat instead of following through with each step. Then he started playing with the material. Finally, he started making jokes when the Ladies were supposed to be working quietly. Ugh! 

I had to fuss at him like a little kid—"JOSH-U-A!" Shoot him those looks like “Will you please stop?!” and mutter under my breath “you are encouraging bad behavior!”

It was pretty funny actually, but still a little irritating. I could imagine him back in elementary school acting out, not paying attention, fiddling with supplies or his pencil instead of doing his work, making jokes when the class is supposed to be working quietly. I giggled to myself after he responded to each offense with a bashfully whispered “Sorry.” 

Teaching and helping my husband in life is much easier than teaching him school. I feel for his previous teachers and his mother. I wouldn’t want to do that everyday, that’s for sure.

I love that man. He can be frustrating sometimes, but that laughter and lightened mood he brought to the table (literally) this week was exactly what we all needed to beat cabin fever.

I Don't do Valentine's day

When Josh and I first married we bought into the idea that Valentine’s Day had to be special. The one day a year that was designated to show those special people in your life how much they mean to you. It seemed like a great idea. You could be as gushy and romantic as you wanted with the perfect excuse. 

Then we had kids. Finding the time to celebrate this special day became more and more difficult because places were always packed out the day of or the weekend of and finding a baby sitter who didn’t already have plans was a real pain.

As the years went by Valentine’s Day became more and more stressful and less and less romantic and meaningful. When our relationship was at it’s lowest point Valentine’s day seemed so forced neither one of us enjoyed it and we were going through the motions more than we were showing the other person how much we loved and cared for them.

But as our relationship took a turn for the better and continued to grow we realized that it was important to take the time to be romantic and attentive everyday. Little things we do for each other shows the other person how appreciated and valuable they are to our lives. Doing something big together or for the other person every once in a while, maybe once a month, really has helped to keep the fire burning in our relationship.

Truthfully, I had almost forgot about the big V-day because Lydia’s birthday is just 3 days after. Then we came to the ladies’ lessons this week based on February holidays and I was forced to think about what I was going to do for the ladies and Josh on that seemingly very important day of the year.

I thought about our past years of Valentine’s celebrations, the good and the bad, and I decided that I don’t really care about Valentine’s Day at all. The pressure to perform one day a year and do something grand is just not something I’m willing to concern myself with. 

Also, if you know me at all, you probably know that I don’t like to do anything anyone tells me I have to do. Except for God. Society, the calendar, even the ladies lessons, all encourage this dramatic show of love and affection this one day a year, but I really just don’t want to do it. 

My family knows I love them because I show them everyday. Do I really want to somehow make them think that I am withholding any love from them every other day of the year when I go above and beyond one day out of the year? 

I want to encourage my husband and my children to show their love and appreciation for the people they love whenever the mood strikes them. And I want to encourage them to do it often. Not just wait for one day of the year to do special things for the special people in their lives.

If you think I’m being a little dramatic about this and think that celebrating one lovey dovey holiday a year can’t possibly interfere my husband and kids actions to show their love every other day of the year all you need to do is talk to my husband. He became the spokesperson for this theory early in our relationship. He would withhold love and affection and showing how much he cared for me until holidays came so that those special days of the year would be big and dramatic.  That might be okay for some people, but that’s not okay with me. 

I needed all his attention, affection and appreciation whenever he is near me everyday of the year (with the exception of the attention he gives to the Lewis Ladies of course). If I could have that I would willingly give up those special holidays. That is where we are now. He has learned how to meet my needs and speak my love language. I am happy. What do I need a holiday for? I celebrate our love everyday. 

I hope that your Valentines’ Day is great if you choose to participate, but if it isn’t for whatever reason, I encourage you to think about my philosophy. Start showing everyone you love how much you love them everyday by doing little special things for them that you would normally save for a special occasion and you will begin to receive it in return.

Love and the act of showing love are contagious. And if you think you might be one of those people who doesn’t have anyone to love in order to be shown love in return, remember there is a God in heaven that loves you more than you can ever imagine. Show him your appreciation and love and he will reward you. 

“Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back. (Luke 6:38, NLT)”

So Happy Friday to you all and may your lives be filled with affectionate love and appreciation EVERYDAY!

Memory lapse

After I publish a blog post I don’t normally re read it. I’ve spent all the time I’m willing to spend on it putting all my business out there. Reading it again would just make me question myself and whether I really should have written something for the world (ok, like maybe 20 people) to see.

Last night though I decided I would read everything I’ve posted lately because something I was writing about seemed vaguely familiar. Sure enough, in the third post I read, there it was.

Curiously I read the rest of the posts and after I was done I was like “Hey self, that was some pretty good advice. Why am I not following it?”

The only explanation I can come up with is that since I don’t re read my posts after I publish them maybe they aren’t sticking when I give myself solid advice. Another reason may be that I’ve been so numb lately I can barely remember whether or not I’ve already shampooed my hair in the shower.

That may seem a little scary to some of you, but I promise if you are one of those people who depend on me for certain responsibilities there is no need to worry. I’m a completely functional depressed, hormonally “sane,” woman. Honest.

I am human after all. I think we as a society buy into this belief that we are all supposed to be so perfectly happy that we feel like we have to hide our bad days and fake our way through life. Well, life just ain’t like that so-ci-e-ty (Nana-nana-boo-boo voice, of course). Stuff happens. And even when stuff isn’t happening sometimes it’s just hard to be happy.

That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or can’t take care of my responsibilities. It just means I’m sad. That’s all. I don’t have the plague despite the fact that people all over Facebook appear to have caught the blues too. Treat me as you would any other sad person.

However, I am going to start taking some of my good advice and get over this funk I keep falling back into. What was it again?

Oh yeah, Get over it!

So, I just wanted to let everyone know, all 20 of you, that I’m going on record that this will be my last post on this issue. I need to pull my self out of the mud and start looking at the world and my life with rose colored glasses.

Yes, it will still be hard and I will still have bad days (and also not much to write about) but wallowing in my sadness is not going to make it any better. I have good friends and family who care about me and want to help me and that is all I can ask for.

Well, that, and maybe some better pills.

Watery colors

I decided my next attempt at trying this “me time,” thing was to get back into painting and drawing on a small scale. I just painted Delores’ room, I painted a mural in Lydia’s room and a plaque for my sister-in-law for Christmas but I haven’t done anything on canvas or paper in quiet some time. Since before Josh and I were married in fact.

The thought of dragging out my art case and all my bottles of paint and mixing all my colors before I made any real progress was a rather daunting thought. Enough to make me give up before I even get started.

Then I thought “Hey, self. Watercolors. Easy to set up. Mostly pre mixed. Easy to clean and put away.” It’s not my favorite medium but I figured this would be the quickest way to accomplish a painting and build my confidence so I don’t dread the thought of a more detailed work and give up before I even get started.

Cause sometimes you just have to play mind games with yourself.

I found a sketch of a feather I did in high school and I painted it and gave it a background. It took me about 3 days. Thirty minutes here. Ten minutes there. But I completed something and overall I am pleased with it.

But there was one thing I didn’t like about it. The picture had no real meaning to me. I am not goo goo over feathers or rainbows (which, by the way, I didn’t realize I had done until it was complete). I just did it because it looked simple.

The more I thought about it though and the more I looked at the finished product I realized it did have some meaning that applied to my life. It did kind of reflect how I’ve been feeling lately. Watery, fluid, floating, in a place that feels broken, deserted and isolated. The vibrate colors of the feather represents how I want to feel. Where as the placement of the feather and the aimless floating, but frozen in time, represents how I feel now.

Maybe it will show me even more as I continue to study it.

Isn’t it interesting how art comes through you to mean something significant and personal to your life and situation even when you are not attempting to?

That’s why I love art and love making art. It isn’t about how it looks or even if it turned out how you’d hoped it would. It is about expressing yourself and your feelings.

I’m so glad I forced myself to do it. Even if I did get extremely frustrated with my lack of free time and alone time to actually work on it.

Now to move on to my next project. A three-piece depiction of something very dear to me with mixed media.

Motivation.

Being a women stinks

Not literally. But seriously, it is not fun. One day I feel fine. Happy even and feel I’m ready to take on anything the day throws at me. The next I may feel like I can’t even get out of bed and this may last for a week or a month at a time. Why?

Honestly I don’t know. You probably know what I’ve been going through lately if you’ve been keeping up with my latest posts, but if you don’t go read them! Just paraphrasing though I had a mini melt down in which I realized I just need to do more things I enjoy more often and let go of the petty stuff. However, this is harder than it sounds. Time is short and freedom to indulge myself without thinking of the needs of other people around me is nonexistent. And thus frustration with myself gets even worse.

So why do I allow myself to feel this way? Why does my mood swing from high and then crash to the ground? Well, like I said I don’t really know, but I have a theory.

This morning I woke up in the best mood. That’s strange. What changed exactly?

The weather. Yesterday it was warm outside and today it was almost hot. I actually had to turn the air on while the girls napped so they wouldn’t burn up in their beds. It is a commonly known scientific fact that there is really a disorder that rises up in people during the winter months called the Winter Blues or Cabin Fever (there is probably a medical term but I don’t feel like being a fancy nancy right now and looking it up). Some are affected more than others. Hence the story line for Steven King’s The Shining.

Last week was probably the worst week I’ve had in a long time. Why? Well it snowed. The colder it is the bluer I get.

Another theory is that I’m a woman. Hormones. As Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory says “Women are slaves to their hormones.” And there is nothing we can do about it. There obviously is a cycle that affects our mood. Some more than others unfortunately. My body was preparing a place for a baby to grow through ovulation last week so my hormones were surging. Surging hormones means an abundance of emotions.

And yet another theory is that some people are predisposed to be more sensitive to environmental changes, hormonal changes, and triggers for depression. Either by genes they were born with or by the hardships in their lives.

I have been struggling with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager. I would be fine for a while, years in fact, and then suddenly it seems to come over me from nowhere and I cannot shake it. Then I have to go on medicine again.  

I have to admit that I really do not like this about myself. Being a Christian I think why can’t I just get over this with the grace of God and trust him? Why can’t I just be normal and enjoy my life? Forcing myself into guilt, which doesn’t help the situation at all.

So you see I have been affected by the weather, my hormonal changes, and my history of depression over the past few months. When you combine all these volatile ingredients into one confined person it doesn’t take very much pressure for it to explode.

What does this have to do with being a woman and the fact that it sucks? Well, another commonly known scientific fact is that these three things affect women more it affects men. Therefore, more women suffer from depression than men.

Yay! (Sarcasm, if you couldn't tell)

What I would give not to have to struggle with these things ever again. Could you imagine? Waking up feeling the same happiness everyday regardless of the weather, what time of the month it is or the genetic predisposition of metal illness. I’m telling ya, I think I would throw a party everyday to celebrate my contentedness.

So for you who are not suffering hug a friend who is. For you who are, you are not alone and remember in just a little over a month it will be spring and warm and God’s beautiful creation will sing songs, bloom in beautiful sweet smelling flowers and shine down on your face for YOUR enjoyment.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Forgot about the things that don’t really matter and don’t make yourself guilty over not having the cleanest house or the best meals or being the best social butterfly. You will feel up to it soon. Just take it easy for a while.

It will get better.

Teetering on a tightrope

Taking time for myself during the week has been much harder than I thought it would be. I figured I would have at least 30 minutes a day to do something I love. However, I discovered that my 30 minutes was spread out over the whole day. Ten minutes at naptime. Ten minutes while Josh gives the girls a bath. Ten minutes while Josh is in the shower after the girls are in bed. That just does not work for me. After I start something I have to get to a stopping point before I can move on to something else. I just don’t fit in that neat little 10 minute box.

It has been extremely frustrating because my desire to create is so strong that it has over taken most of my thoughts. Now that I’ve unleashed this desire I can’t make it go away. I need to be me and I don’t want to lose myself again.

Our counselor said that the women’s right movement was a great thing that happened to our society but it sent the wrong message to women everywhere: That we have to be everything all at the same time. A wife, a mother, an employer, an employee, a teacher, a friend, a daughter. What the movement turned women into is exhausted and stretched to their limits. At their wits end and losing their sense of identity.

It has been so engrained in us that we just don’t know how to separate our roles and function properly at each area playing one role at a time.

This is where my struggle lays. Before I had this mini meltdown from not tending to my needs everything was rolling right along. Day in and day out. Same old, same old. I had two roles. Stay at home mom/homeschooler and wife. I was depressed, but I was functioning. Now I got this other thing going on in my head and I just don’t know to make it fit in to the other parts of my life.

I don’t know which is worse. Going through life numb and wishing you could do something else or knowing what you want to do and everything in your life prevents you from doing it.

Is it worth the struggle or do you think this is God telling my to reprioritize? I don’t know.

I’m going to keep pushing to find the time though. My laundry may pile up, there may be an inch of dust on my furniture, or a pile of dishes in the kitchen sink and we may have sandwiches for dinner, but I will be happy.

I just hope my family can be happy along with me too. After all, I have been selflessly taking care of everyone’s needs for 4 years. I hope that this will finally be the time to start taking care of mine.

Climbing the mountain

Or at least a wall

If you’ve read my last 5 posts you know that I’ve had a mini meltdown and pretty much wrote my way through a progression to enlightenment that I need to do more things that I enjoy and nurture my creative side by taking my time for myself and making my needs a priority.

My first attempt was to fulfill my first goal of monthly date day/night. My second attempt was to try something I’ve always wanted to do but had talked myself out of doing over and over again. Indoor rock climbing.

I’d much rather be outdoors in nature but that’s a little scary to take on and I don’t really do outdoors when it’s cold (underweight, remember?).

So, last Saturday night Josh and I set out to reawaken my identity. With butterflies in my stomach I listened to the little high school girl tell me how to do this but don’t do this. I could barely concentration as we stood in front of the towering wall. Then she asks the question. “Who wants to go first?”

Eek! Well, of course. Josh “volunteered” to go first (probably because the look on face said “Um, not me”) and then she tells me that I need to hook up to this line bolted to the floor because he is so much bigger than I am and that when he comes down I will probably fly off the floor.

Do what?! Then she tells me “Yeah, you probably picked the hardest job to do first.” Oh, well, that is just perfect!

Sure enough, he comes down and up I go. That was…interesting. terrifying. painful.

Then it was my turn. After that the wall didn’t look so scary. I went right up to the top and touched the beam to the ceiling. I came down and Josh said the look on my face was priceless. All I could say was “That was so fun. Let’s do it again.”

So we did. Over and over again until my arms felt like jello. It was so exhilarating.

While it was good to get out without the kids and have some fun getting out of my comfort zone, I also learned some things:

I am much more capable of things than I give myself credit for.

I enjoy physical activities and pushing myself to my limits.

My rear end is much bigger than I thought it was.

It pays to take time for myself.

Now that I’ve gotten a taste for nurturing my inner spirit I want more. It’s like an addiction and I don’t want it to end. All I have to do is just figure out how I’m going to balance my responsibilities with my fun. Hmm…

Well, I’ll figure that out later but for now I’m setting out on my next attempt to indulge in my artistic side and break out my paints.

By the way, I couldn’t have this without my partner in life. Ok well I could, but that would just be no fun.

Finally...new resolutions

I’ve talked a good talk about taking more time for myself and finding myself again but really have yet to do that. I have cycles where I’m okay and I push through the day-to-day responsibilities as long as I can and then something happens that pushes me over the edge and I have a mini emotional meltdown. Much like any other emotional problem. If you ignore something that is bothering you long enough eventually it will come to the surface in an ugly way.

My problem is that I have two different personalities, which often battle it out for my immediate attention. My Type A personality usually wins because it deals more with my day-to-day activities of taking care of the girls and the house. My artistic personality suffers but will obviously not let me forget that I need time to express myself creatively. The problem occurs when I let my Type A personality takes precedence over my creative, artistic personality for too long and then I have an inner battle, which presents itself into a whiny emotional wreck.

However, I’ve realized that for me to be able to express my self creatively and take time for myself without guilt or without forgetting my other responsibilities I need my Type A personality to set that up.

Lately I’ve been talking about goals and resolutions. Things that don’t work and things I want to change. Now that I’ve done all that background work here is my official list of resolutions compiled from my list on my last post Little Confessions. Just 24 days late for the New Year.

1. Get out of my comfort zone and make new friends and kindle old friendships. Be myself more and don’t be afraid of what people think.

I’m the worst at making myself believe that I’m not interesting enough to be like and I’d just be better off not trying than being let down. What I’ve discovered is that a bad interaction with someone who may not like me very much is better than no interaction at all with anyone older than the age of 4. Not everyone is going to like me and I’m okay with that because I have a heavenly Father who loves me just the way I am when no one else will.

2. Let myself go to do new things and not get caught up in failure.

I get caught up in failing at something before I even try. I miss out on some good things because I’m just afraid it won’t turn out right or I’ll be embarrassed. I was reminded recently however, when my dear husband took to the ice with his 4 year old to give her an experience she had been begging for at least a year, that it doesn’t matter if you fail or if you look ridiculous it is the experience and the fact that you tried that really matters.

3. Get over my guilt to take care of myself emotionally.

I’m human. I have needs and that is ok. If my husband wants to splurge on me, I need to let him. If I need new shoes, clothes, makeup, purse, whatever, I need to just accept it and enjoy it. As long as Josh and I discuss it and checked our budget first.

4. I have to find a doctor that will take my seriously and care enough to figure out what is going wrong with me. Regardless of price.

I cannot go on much longer riding a hormonally emotional and painful rollercoaster. Something has to be done this year!

Oh and I must eat more chocolate and other things I enjoy and won’t let myself buy. After all, I’m 10 pounds underweight.

5. I want to work toward finding a career that I can do from home.

I will be going back to school to pursue Accounting, Interior Design AND Photography. Because I can and those are the things I enjoy doing. Of course this is going to take more than a year to accomplish but starting this year I will enroll somewhere and start taking classes towards one of those careers.

6. After thinking and researching and praying about being a teacher I have decided against pursuing it. I am a homeschooler and I need to accept that.

But not because I couldn’t handle it (Josh-u-a) but because my heart just doesn’t lay with a school system. If I won’t send my kids to school then why would I want to be part of it? I can’t change it unless I want to go hardcore on being a career woman, not teach my kids at home and be on the school board. So I just need to get over it. It’s just not who I am.

7. I need to start looking at my life as building my experience to equip me to speak out to others.

I’d like to be a speaker one day but first I have to gain some life experiences that will give me the credentials so people will listen to me. Yeah, I’ve gone through some heavy stuff, but I’m still young. While I have overcome many battles and struggles through Jesus Christ I still have many more to go. My prayer is that God continues to remind me that his purpose for my trials and hardships is to form a testimony for other people to hear to bring glory to Him.

8. I have to get into nature more and drag my family along with me.

No more whining and complaining Josh! We are going to be out in the hot and we will get dirty and bug bitten and sweaty and I can’t wait. But please don’t make me do it until it gets warmer. Lol.

9. I need to enjoy my home more.

Living with concrete floors for a while is ok but it isn’t pleasing to me. I realize that decorating every room in a house takes money but I refuse to be okay with the fact that I don’t love the way my house looks. When we first moved in here we thought it would be our starter home. Five years tops. Then we lost our jobs, went back on our credit cards and had 2 kids. So much for that. But instead of saying “I hate it here. I can’t wait till we can move.” I’ve decided that I’m ready to accept that I’m going to be here a while and I need to enjoy it by making it my own.

Besides if I’m going to do this Interior design thing I need to start building a portfolio. What better way to start than with my own home?

10. Take more chances and try new things.

I don’t know what to do with myself during my free time because I don’t take enough chances and try new things so that I can find things I enjoy doing by myself or with my husband.

Also, I need to not fret so much over a clean house, empty laundry baskets and perfect meals my kids won’t even eat in the first place. As long as everyone has clean clothes, a full belly and can find what they are looking for the rest doesn’t matter. These are not the things children and family remember anyway (unless they are just that vain). They remember the feelings of the times we spent together. And that is important.

It all boils down to this: I need more quality time with myself to do things I enjoy and to develop my identity again. If I do that, I’ll be a happy mom and wife. Then I will have a happy family. And a happy family has more fun and makes better memories. Better memories gives hope for a wonderful future. And a wonderful future means grandkids, retirement, travel and unlimited date nights! But it all starts with me.

So bring it on 2014. I WILL tackle life’s attempts to keep me down. Starting with indoor rock climbing tomorrow on our new tradition of monthly date night.

Oh yeah. Bring. It. On.

Little confessions

I don’t really believe in New Years resolutions. I get why people do them but, personally, I’ve never really seen a point in setting goals I know I’m not going to reach and then getting all depressed at myself when the next New Year rolls around again and I haven’t accomplished anything. God’s got this. Why do I need to plan anything?

Also, it really bothers me when society or the world says I just gotta do something like the end of the world is gonna come if I don’t. If I’m going to make a goal or resolution it’s going to be because it is something I really want to happen in my life and I’m not going to wait around till January 1st to get going on it.

Despite my attempt to go against the grain I was reminded that, apparently it is important for people to have goals. Something to keep them going and to strive for so they don’t get sucked into the same old, same old and then snap and throw themselves off the top of their office building. Or in my case off the roof of my house as you may have noticed I definitely have felt like doing lately. Okay, so maybe not everyone would turn out that way, but you get the picture.

So, I decided I should attempt this resolution thing, even if I am getting a late start, in hopes that setting some goals would give me the drive to get off my pity pot, explore different things, rediscover myself and find happiness from within.

Of course I couldn’t just go about this all willy nilly so I did a little research. There are several different theories of goals. Most encompass 3 different areas. Long term, medium term and short term. To break each area down even further there are 7 to 8 different types of goals a person can set. After reviewing several different theories I picked one that most applied to my situation and to me.

There is a metaphor describing that these areas in which we set goals need to be balanced as if it were a wheel. If one of these areas is forgotten about the wheel has a bend in it and rides bumpy. If there are several areas that are not dealt with the wheel goes flat and it won’t go anywhere at all or we end up in a wreck. These & areas are as follows: Health, Finances, Career, Physical Surroundings, Relationships, Fun and Hobbies, Time Alone and Personal Growth.

But before I could dive right in and starting setting goals I feel that I have to confess some things about myself so that you can fully understand the depth of my goals. Here are just 10 of my dirty little secrets, for God knows you couldn’t handle them all.

1. I have no friends that I hang out with except for my mom. (Relationships)

2. I feel like there is a deeply artistic person inside of me screaming to come out. I feel like a need to write some poetry, make an independent film, paint some abstract art or just let my emotions go. It has been so hard for me to just be free with my artistic side when my Type A side says everything has to be so structured and done a certain way. (Personal Growth)

3. I feel guilty over any fraction of time or money I spend on myself. Whenever I do anything for myself I have to talk to Josh about it over and over again for a whole day before I feel slightly better about it. (Finances)

4. I am an emotional wreck and in constant pain. Three weeks out of a month I have to force myself to do daily tasks and put on a happy face. What I’d really like to do is curl up in my bed and eat chocolate all day. (Health)

5. I do not like being a stay at home mom. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had. But I’d rather be working for people I love for a worthy cause than a bunch of people I don’t care about for something I don’t believe in. (Career)

6. I like being a teacher. About the only thing that gets me through my day is our homeschooling. I look forward to teaching and enriching their lives and I really have considered going back to school to be a teacher of some sort. Josh says I couldn’t handle it however, so dream shot down there. That’s what I get for marrying a teacher’s son. (Career)

7. I like to preach. Be it to my husband, my kids, my relatives, strangers, Josh’s co-workers (oh yes, I did), etc. Naturally, I have a very preachy tone and volume, which can be misunderstood as a know-it-all tone. But I promise if you are the butt of my preaching it means that I love you enough to be passionately concerned about your circumstance. (Personal growth & relationships)

8. I used to enjoy hiking and camping and getting out into nature. Something I haven’t done much of since I met Josh because I’ve been so wrapped up in other things. (Food & Hobbies)

9. I love and think I have a real knack for interior design. However, coming into my house you wouldn’t know that because I have kids and I can’t have anything nice without it getting messed up. Also I have a lack of funds to make my home picturesque. (Physical surroundings)

10. I have no idea how to take time for myself. At this point my self-time consists of drinking hot tea and watching cooking shows and the Big Bang Theory. Also, I do not have cable or DVR so my self-time has to be strategically planned to enjoy these things otherwise I spend this time cleaning, cooking and doing laundry. (Alone Time)

Now that you have seen some of the areas I believe I need to modify I hope you will better understand the goals I set whenever I get around to it.

So stay tuned to see what I'll try next to get me out of my funk.

Pampering...it doesn't last forever

In my quest to find myself and find internal happiness I have been through many activities to try and appease myself. I thought if I could get out of the house and do some things that would make me beautiful on the outside I would feel more confident and, in turn, be happier. 

Afterall, it seems like this is what all the other ladies I’m surrounded with were doing and they looked happy so it would have to work for me too. So I treated myself to things for the house first. Manicures second. Electronics third. A new job forth. Hair fifth. Makeup sixth. Clothes seventh. Accessories eighth. This happened over the course of three years and I have run out of things to indulge in.

Each time I would get an itch for something new and I would pamper and indulge. Afterward I will feel racked with guilt and would refuse to enjoy the something I thought would bring me happiness. Or if I didn’t feel guilty about my purchase I would enjoy it until the newness wore off and then I felt like I needed something new again or needed more. 

Now, I know things and money don't buy happiness so I never over indulged or even splurged. I know we can’t take these things with us when we leave and they are really not important at all. 

In fact I didn’t even realize my pampering was hindering my spirit until Josh and I decided we would get even tighter on or budget by using Dave Ramsey’s envelope system (If you are unfamiliar with this Bing it or YouTube it). I suddenly realized that I would not have the freedom to purchase little things out and about that I saw for myself, my kids, or my husband because all of our money was at home. And I can honestly say I think I’m having withdraws from going cold turkey and feel like I am being strangled by the purse strings. Even more, when I do plan and go out to splurge at, oh let’s just say, the Dollar Tree. I feel more guilty about spending $4.00 than before when I had spent $30.00 at Old Navy or something. How sick is that? 

This may have been the best and the worst thing that could’ve happened to me. I discovered, as it turns out, pampering and indulging does not work, long term. Sure it is nice, if you can handle it. But, now that I’ve run out of things to pamper myself with I really don’t know what to do with myself or how to make myself happy. I’m sure once I get out of this slum (which I’m beginning to think has somewhat to do with the winter blues and cabin fever and our drastic new money saving technique) and figure all this out I will have a happiness and a spirit unshakable by the mundane. But for now, I am still on my quest.

Onward and upward!

Goals...time to get some

When a person is young they normally have lots of goals.  Even if they are as simple as getting out of their parents house or getting a car. 

So then you do those things and you get new goals.  Start a career, get married, get a house, have some kids.

Then you do that.  But what comes after that?  All the goals before were pretty big steps in life. After you've obtained those goals what really compares to the greatness you've already accomplished?

Our counselor said that it is important to have several obtainable goals in each area of your life all the time and talk about them.  Then when you meet a goal you reassess your situation and make new goals and on and on the cycle continues.

I can see why goals are important.  Without them you don't really know which direction to go or which path to take. It can leave you feeling down. In a rut. No where to go. I believe that is why so many people in a situation similar to mine feel the way they do about their lives. Just doing what they are supposed to do each day but all the while not really knowing why exactly they are doing it.

Our maybe they see some long distance goal like retire in 30 years, get the kids out of the house in 18 years, going to heaven in God knows how many years.

But what are you striving for today? Sure those things are attainable but 30 years or longer is a long time to wait for a pay off. Do we as humans really have the endurance to go that long running on just the idea that maybe one day something will happen?

Those are the big picture goals that really influence our commitments. But I do believe we need small goals to reach for and meet to build our character and happiness and sense of self until we hit those big pay off moments.

Like what?

Well, I'm pretty sure it is not stuff. I did this for a while before I had kids.  What I ended up with was new stuff I was bored with and wanting more with maxed out credit cards.

And I'm pretty sure it isn't vacations cause when you get back all your responsibilities are there waiting on you.

In observing people I've noticed that there is a trend to typical goals.  Such as developing a side business,  getting corrective surgery,  partaking in a sport or excercise, taking up hobbies, getting involved with a group or organization, taking on a new career, growing a family or going back to school.

But all of these things are really just stuff to enjoy while taking up time to help make the days go by more quickly to reach those big far off goals.

When you really think about it a person can't really make plans for very much. Our lives are at the hands of our master. And while we may hope to accomplish certain goals it isn't really up to us whether or not we accomplish those goals unless it is a goal that has been directed to us by God.

Considering this I decided to check the handbook of life before I set any goals of my own and here it what it says:

So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him.
2 Corinthians 5:9 NLT

so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!
Philippians 3:11 NLT

Let love be your highest goal! But you should also desire the special abilities the Spirit gives—especially the ability to prophesy.
1 Corinthians 14:1 NLT

Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before.
1 Thessalonians 4:11 NLT

Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.
Galatians 1:10 NLT

So stay tuned while I am deciding what goals I need to be setting. In the meantime check out some of my earlier, funnier, less depressing posts to tie you over while I suffering through my small mental meltdown.

Pity party...everyone invited

So I've been in a bit of a slum lately.  Not just in this blog but just all around unhappy.

I can't seem to shake this feeling of worthlessness.  I go about my day, looking off into to space when the ladies are not needing my immediate attention. And I think "I am all alone. I have lost myself. I have no purpose. And no one even cares. All that I am is just pointless."

I have felt this way for quite some time. Then life happens and I push through. Putting my needs last. Correction. Ignoring my needs all together. And I fight through the days and weeks and months lying to myself that everything is ok. But it isn't.

I try some things for a while. Vitamins,  herbs, exercise, supplements, and now anti - depressants. But nothing works and all I've really done is buy myself some time thinking when the stuff gets into my system it will start to work and things will get better. But it doesn't.

I've all but given up on being happy for me. On someone wanting to talk to me about anything in my life that doesn't have to do with my kids or my husband. On having any non-one-sided friendships. On being recognized for who I am and not for who I'm associated with. On having a life outside my kids.

So what do I do?  I can't stay like this forever.  But the things I used to enjoy seem useless now.  Why is it when we are kids just doing things because we enjoyed it is good, but when we become adults a person has to have a reason to do something they enjoy because it isn't productive and it makes us feel guilty? Like we should be doing something better with our time. Thus we lose ourselves in our titles and forget those things that make us unique.

The bad part about it all,  I don't even know the first step in getting better.  I pray, everyday, that God would direct me and show me what to do, but I haven't felt any guidance toward anything.  The only thing I know to do is nothing.

Not clean, scarcely cook, hardly eat, barely talk. Just nothing. Till something enlightens me and I'm shown exactly what I need to be doing with myself.

And maybe complain a lot on here about my depressing mood and how I'm a miserable mess. Boo hoo hoo.