Writing a blog is like writing "dear diary." Except everyone reads your diary and then shares it with their friends and then you walk around all suspicious that everyone is judging you because of your diary confessions. Yeah.
That's why I stopped writing, because life got so bad it was just embarrassing to keep writing about how bad it is.
Since then I've discovered this fact:
"Finding yourself," is a lifelong journey and you change everyday. Duh, right? But when you really think about it, you aren't the same person today as you were yesterday and the person you are today isn't who you are going to be tomorrow. Every experience and moment molds and shapes you into the person you become from day to day.
I think that I believed that once I stopped grieving my miscarriages I would find myself again and that everything would be ok. Like I was just going to wake up one day and BAM, I'd run right into myself. The truth is once something big happens in your life, like having a miscarriage, nothing will ever be the same. Ever. Yourself, takes on a new meaning. I died to my old self one piece at a time after each loss of life and at the realization that I was not going to have anymore children. Every day has taught me something new about myself.
Some days I know how to handle the new things and I take it in passing. Most days I find it hard to accept the development of my new life and resist it way too much creating much anguish in my life.
Now, I could sit here for hours and catch you up to speed on everything that has changed since the last time but I think I'll take the less is more approach and just tell you this:
I'm ok. I love myself. I don't want anymore kids. I love my almost 5 and almost 4 year olds. I'm going back to school to be a teacher and I love it. I'm trying to get use to the idea to sending my kids to school. My marriage is still a struggle everyday, but we love each other so it's ok. I have a few close friends now. I'm not bringing in any income. I have a loveable dog. I'm still emotional, rebellious, creative, artistic and brilliant but I really don't want to be labeled. And I love being me (in a healthy way).
So yeah, that's pretty much it. I'll catch you up as we go along. Come join the ride.
