Teetering on a tightrope

Taking time for myself during the week has been much harder than I thought it would be. I figured I would have at least 30 minutes a day to do something I love. However, I discovered that my 30 minutes was spread out over the whole day. Ten minutes at naptime. Ten minutes while Josh gives the girls a bath. Ten minutes while Josh is in the shower after the girls are in bed. That just does not work for me. After I start something I have to get to a stopping point before I can move on to something else. I just don’t fit in that neat little 10 minute box.

It has been extremely frustrating because my desire to create is so strong that it has over taken most of my thoughts. Now that I’ve unleashed this desire I can’t make it go away. I need to be me and I don’t want to lose myself again.

Our counselor said that the women’s right movement was a great thing that happened to our society but it sent the wrong message to women everywhere: That we have to be everything all at the same time. A wife, a mother, an employer, an employee, a teacher, a friend, a daughter. What the movement turned women into is exhausted and stretched to their limits. At their wits end and losing their sense of identity.

It has been so engrained in us that we just don’t know how to separate our roles and function properly at each area playing one role at a time.

This is where my struggle lays. Before I had this mini meltdown from not tending to my needs everything was rolling right along. Day in and day out. Same old, same old. I had two roles. Stay at home mom/homeschooler and wife. I was depressed, but I was functioning. Now I got this other thing going on in my head and I just don’t know to make it fit in to the other parts of my life.

I don’t know which is worse. Going through life numb and wishing you could do something else or knowing what you want to do and everything in your life prevents you from doing it.

Is it worth the struggle or do you think this is God telling my to reprioritize? I don’t know.

I’m going to keep pushing to find the time though. My laundry may pile up, there may be an inch of dust on my furniture, or a pile of dishes in the kitchen sink and we may have sandwiches for dinner, but I will be happy.

I just hope my family can be happy along with me too. After all, I have been selflessly taking care of everyone’s needs for 4 years. I hope that this will finally be the time to start taking care of mine.

Climbing the mountain

Or at least a wall

If you’ve read my last 5 posts you know that I’ve had a mini meltdown and pretty much wrote my way through a progression to enlightenment that I need to do more things that I enjoy and nurture my creative side by taking my time for myself and making my needs a priority.

My first attempt was to fulfill my first goal of monthly date day/night. My second attempt was to try something I’ve always wanted to do but had talked myself out of doing over and over again. Indoor rock climbing.

I’d much rather be outdoors in nature but that’s a little scary to take on and I don’t really do outdoors when it’s cold (underweight, remember?).

So, last Saturday night Josh and I set out to reawaken my identity. With butterflies in my stomach I listened to the little high school girl tell me how to do this but don’t do this. I could barely concentration as we stood in front of the towering wall. Then she asks the question. “Who wants to go first?”

Eek! Well, of course. Josh “volunteered” to go first (probably because the look on face said “Um, not me”) and then she tells me that I need to hook up to this line bolted to the floor because he is so much bigger than I am and that when he comes down I will probably fly off the floor.

Do what?! Then she tells me “Yeah, you probably picked the hardest job to do first.” Oh, well, that is just perfect!

Sure enough, he comes down and up I go. That was…interesting. terrifying. painful.

Then it was my turn. After that the wall didn’t look so scary. I went right up to the top and touched the beam to the ceiling. I came down and Josh said the look on my face was priceless. All I could say was “That was so fun. Let’s do it again.”

So we did. Over and over again until my arms felt like jello. It was so exhilarating.

While it was good to get out without the kids and have some fun getting out of my comfort zone, I also learned some things:

I am much more capable of things than I give myself credit for.

I enjoy physical activities and pushing myself to my limits.

My rear end is much bigger than I thought it was.

It pays to take time for myself.

Now that I’ve gotten a taste for nurturing my inner spirit I want more. It’s like an addiction and I don’t want it to end. All I have to do is just figure out how I’m going to balance my responsibilities with my fun. Hmm…

Well, I’ll figure that out later but for now I’m setting out on my next attempt to indulge in my artistic side and break out my paints.

By the way, I couldn’t have this without my partner in life. Ok well I could, but that would just be no fun.

Finally...new resolutions

I’ve talked a good talk about taking more time for myself and finding myself again but really have yet to do that. I have cycles where I’m okay and I push through the day-to-day responsibilities as long as I can and then something happens that pushes me over the edge and I have a mini emotional meltdown. Much like any other emotional problem. If you ignore something that is bothering you long enough eventually it will come to the surface in an ugly way.

My problem is that I have two different personalities, which often battle it out for my immediate attention. My Type A personality usually wins because it deals more with my day-to-day activities of taking care of the girls and the house. My artistic personality suffers but will obviously not let me forget that I need time to express myself creatively. The problem occurs when I let my Type A personality takes precedence over my creative, artistic personality for too long and then I have an inner battle, which presents itself into a whiny emotional wreck.

However, I’ve realized that for me to be able to express my self creatively and take time for myself without guilt or without forgetting my other responsibilities I need my Type A personality to set that up.

Lately I’ve been talking about goals and resolutions. Things that don’t work and things I want to change. Now that I’ve done all that background work here is my official list of resolutions compiled from my list on my last post Little Confessions. Just 24 days late for the New Year.

1. Get out of my comfort zone and make new friends and kindle old friendships. Be myself more and don’t be afraid of what people think.

I’m the worst at making myself believe that I’m not interesting enough to be like and I’d just be better off not trying than being let down. What I’ve discovered is that a bad interaction with someone who may not like me very much is better than no interaction at all with anyone older than the age of 4. Not everyone is going to like me and I’m okay with that because I have a heavenly Father who loves me just the way I am when no one else will.

2. Let myself go to do new things and not get caught up in failure.

I get caught up in failing at something before I even try. I miss out on some good things because I’m just afraid it won’t turn out right or I’ll be embarrassed. I was reminded recently however, when my dear husband took to the ice with his 4 year old to give her an experience she had been begging for at least a year, that it doesn’t matter if you fail or if you look ridiculous it is the experience and the fact that you tried that really matters.

3. Get over my guilt to take care of myself emotionally.

I’m human. I have needs and that is ok. If my husband wants to splurge on me, I need to let him. If I need new shoes, clothes, makeup, purse, whatever, I need to just accept it and enjoy it. As long as Josh and I discuss it and checked our budget first.

4. I have to find a doctor that will take my seriously and care enough to figure out what is going wrong with me. Regardless of price.

I cannot go on much longer riding a hormonally emotional and painful rollercoaster. Something has to be done this year!

Oh and I must eat more chocolate and other things I enjoy and won’t let myself buy. After all, I’m 10 pounds underweight.

5. I want to work toward finding a career that I can do from home.

I will be going back to school to pursue Accounting, Interior Design AND Photography. Because I can and those are the things I enjoy doing. Of course this is going to take more than a year to accomplish but starting this year I will enroll somewhere and start taking classes towards one of those careers.

6. After thinking and researching and praying about being a teacher I have decided against pursuing it. I am a homeschooler and I need to accept that.

But not because I couldn’t handle it (Josh-u-a) but because my heart just doesn’t lay with a school system. If I won’t send my kids to school then why would I want to be part of it? I can’t change it unless I want to go hardcore on being a career woman, not teach my kids at home and be on the school board. So I just need to get over it. It’s just not who I am.

7. I need to start looking at my life as building my experience to equip me to speak out to others.

I’d like to be a speaker one day but first I have to gain some life experiences that will give me the credentials so people will listen to me. Yeah, I’ve gone through some heavy stuff, but I’m still young. While I have overcome many battles and struggles through Jesus Christ I still have many more to go. My prayer is that God continues to remind me that his purpose for my trials and hardships is to form a testimony for other people to hear to bring glory to Him.

8. I have to get into nature more and drag my family along with me.

No more whining and complaining Josh! We are going to be out in the hot and we will get dirty and bug bitten and sweaty and I can’t wait. But please don’t make me do it until it gets warmer. Lol.

9. I need to enjoy my home more.

Living with concrete floors for a while is ok but it isn’t pleasing to me. I realize that decorating every room in a house takes money but I refuse to be okay with the fact that I don’t love the way my house looks. When we first moved in here we thought it would be our starter home. Five years tops. Then we lost our jobs, went back on our credit cards and had 2 kids. So much for that. But instead of saying “I hate it here. I can’t wait till we can move.” I’ve decided that I’m ready to accept that I’m going to be here a while and I need to enjoy it by making it my own.

Besides if I’m going to do this Interior design thing I need to start building a portfolio. What better way to start than with my own home?

10. Take more chances and try new things.

I don’t know what to do with myself during my free time because I don’t take enough chances and try new things so that I can find things I enjoy doing by myself or with my husband.

Also, I need to not fret so much over a clean house, empty laundry baskets and perfect meals my kids won’t even eat in the first place. As long as everyone has clean clothes, a full belly and can find what they are looking for the rest doesn’t matter. These are not the things children and family remember anyway (unless they are just that vain). They remember the feelings of the times we spent together. And that is important.

It all boils down to this: I need more quality time with myself to do things I enjoy and to develop my identity again. If I do that, I’ll be a happy mom and wife. Then I will have a happy family. And a happy family has more fun and makes better memories. Better memories gives hope for a wonderful future. And a wonderful future means grandkids, retirement, travel and unlimited date nights! But it all starts with me.

So bring it on 2014. I WILL tackle life’s attempts to keep me down. Starting with indoor rock climbing tomorrow on our new tradition of monthly date night.

Oh yeah. Bring. It. On.

Little confessions

I don’t really believe in New Years resolutions. I get why people do them but, personally, I’ve never really seen a point in setting goals I know I’m not going to reach and then getting all depressed at myself when the next New Year rolls around again and I haven’t accomplished anything. God’s got this. Why do I need to plan anything?

Also, it really bothers me when society or the world says I just gotta do something like the end of the world is gonna come if I don’t. If I’m going to make a goal or resolution it’s going to be because it is something I really want to happen in my life and I’m not going to wait around till January 1st to get going on it.

Despite my attempt to go against the grain I was reminded that, apparently it is important for people to have goals. Something to keep them going and to strive for so they don’t get sucked into the same old, same old and then snap and throw themselves off the top of their office building. Or in my case off the roof of my house as you may have noticed I definitely have felt like doing lately. Okay, so maybe not everyone would turn out that way, but you get the picture.

So, I decided I should attempt this resolution thing, even if I am getting a late start, in hopes that setting some goals would give me the drive to get off my pity pot, explore different things, rediscover myself and find happiness from within.

Of course I couldn’t just go about this all willy nilly so I did a little research. There are several different theories of goals. Most encompass 3 different areas. Long term, medium term and short term. To break each area down even further there are 7 to 8 different types of goals a person can set. After reviewing several different theories I picked one that most applied to my situation and to me.

There is a metaphor describing that these areas in which we set goals need to be balanced as if it were a wheel. If one of these areas is forgotten about the wheel has a bend in it and rides bumpy. If there are several areas that are not dealt with the wheel goes flat and it won’t go anywhere at all or we end up in a wreck. These & areas are as follows: Health, Finances, Career, Physical Surroundings, Relationships, Fun and Hobbies, Time Alone and Personal Growth.

But before I could dive right in and starting setting goals I feel that I have to confess some things about myself so that you can fully understand the depth of my goals. Here are just 10 of my dirty little secrets, for God knows you couldn’t handle them all.

1. I have no friends that I hang out with except for my mom. (Relationships)

2. I feel like there is a deeply artistic person inside of me screaming to come out. I feel like a need to write some poetry, make an independent film, paint some abstract art or just let my emotions go. It has been so hard for me to just be free with my artistic side when my Type A side says everything has to be so structured and done a certain way. (Personal Growth)

3. I feel guilty over any fraction of time or money I spend on myself. Whenever I do anything for myself I have to talk to Josh about it over and over again for a whole day before I feel slightly better about it. (Finances)

4. I am an emotional wreck and in constant pain. Three weeks out of a month I have to force myself to do daily tasks and put on a happy face. What I’d really like to do is curl up in my bed and eat chocolate all day. (Health)

5. I do not like being a stay at home mom. It’s the hardest job I’ve ever had. But I’d rather be working for people I love for a worthy cause than a bunch of people I don’t care about for something I don’t believe in. (Career)

6. I like being a teacher. About the only thing that gets me through my day is our homeschooling. I look forward to teaching and enriching their lives and I really have considered going back to school to be a teacher of some sort. Josh says I couldn’t handle it however, so dream shot down there. That’s what I get for marrying a teacher’s son. (Career)

7. I like to preach. Be it to my husband, my kids, my relatives, strangers, Josh’s co-workers (oh yes, I did), etc. Naturally, I have a very preachy tone and volume, which can be misunderstood as a know-it-all tone. But I promise if you are the butt of my preaching it means that I love you enough to be passionately concerned about your circumstance. (Personal growth & relationships)

8. I used to enjoy hiking and camping and getting out into nature. Something I haven’t done much of since I met Josh because I’ve been so wrapped up in other things. (Food & Hobbies)

9. I love and think I have a real knack for interior design. However, coming into my house you wouldn’t know that because I have kids and I can’t have anything nice without it getting messed up. Also I have a lack of funds to make my home picturesque. (Physical surroundings)

10. I have no idea how to take time for myself. At this point my self-time consists of drinking hot tea and watching cooking shows and the Big Bang Theory. Also, I do not have cable or DVR so my self-time has to be strategically planned to enjoy these things otherwise I spend this time cleaning, cooking and doing laundry. (Alone Time)

Now that you have seen some of the areas I believe I need to modify I hope you will better understand the goals I set whenever I get around to it.

So stay tuned to see what I'll try next to get me out of my funk.

Pampering...it doesn't last forever

In my quest to find myself and find internal happiness I have been through many activities to try and appease myself. I thought if I could get out of the house and do some things that would make me beautiful on the outside I would feel more confident and, in turn, be happier. 

Afterall, it seems like this is what all the other ladies I’m surrounded with were doing and they looked happy so it would have to work for me too. So I treated myself to things for the house first. Manicures second. Electronics third. A new job forth. Hair fifth. Makeup sixth. Clothes seventh. Accessories eighth. This happened over the course of three years and I have run out of things to indulge in.

Each time I would get an itch for something new and I would pamper and indulge. Afterward I will feel racked with guilt and would refuse to enjoy the something I thought would bring me happiness. Or if I didn’t feel guilty about my purchase I would enjoy it until the newness wore off and then I felt like I needed something new again or needed more. 

Now, I know things and money don't buy happiness so I never over indulged or even splurged. I know we can’t take these things with us when we leave and they are really not important at all. 

In fact I didn’t even realize my pampering was hindering my spirit until Josh and I decided we would get even tighter on or budget by using Dave Ramsey’s envelope system (If you are unfamiliar with this Bing it or YouTube it). I suddenly realized that I would not have the freedom to purchase little things out and about that I saw for myself, my kids, or my husband because all of our money was at home. And I can honestly say I think I’m having withdraws from going cold turkey and feel like I am being strangled by the purse strings. Even more, when I do plan and go out to splurge at, oh let’s just say, the Dollar Tree. I feel more guilty about spending $4.00 than before when I had spent $30.00 at Old Navy or something. How sick is that? 

This may have been the best and the worst thing that could’ve happened to me. I discovered, as it turns out, pampering and indulging does not work, long term. Sure it is nice, if you can handle it. But, now that I’ve run out of things to pamper myself with I really don’t know what to do with myself or how to make myself happy. I’m sure once I get out of this slum (which I’m beginning to think has somewhat to do with the winter blues and cabin fever and our drastic new money saving technique) and figure all this out I will have a happiness and a spirit unshakable by the mundane. But for now, I am still on my quest.

Onward and upward!

Goals...time to get some

When a person is young they normally have lots of goals.  Even if they are as simple as getting out of their parents house or getting a car. 

So then you do those things and you get new goals.  Start a career, get married, get a house, have some kids.

Then you do that.  But what comes after that?  All the goals before were pretty big steps in life. After you've obtained those goals what really compares to the greatness you've already accomplished?

Our counselor said that it is important to have several obtainable goals in each area of your life all the time and talk about them.  Then when you meet a goal you reassess your situation and make new goals and on and on the cycle continues.

I can see why goals are important.  Without them you don't really know which direction to go or which path to take. It can leave you feeling down. In a rut. No where to go. I believe that is why so many people in a situation similar to mine feel the way they do about their lives. Just doing what they are supposed to do each day but all the while not really knowing why exactly they are doing it.

Our maybe they see some long distance goal like retire in 30 years, get the kids out of the house in 18 years, going to heaven in God knows how many years.

But what are you striving for today? Sure those things are attainable but 30 years or longer is a long time to wait for a pay off. Do we as humans really have the endurance to go that long running on just the idea that maybe one day something will happen?

Those are the big picture goals that really influence our commitments. But I do believe we need small goals to reach for and meet to build our character and happiness and sense of self until we hit those big pay off moments.

Like what?

Well, I'm pretty sure it is not stuff. I did this for a while before I had kids.  What I ended up with was new stuff I was bored with and wanting more with maxed out credit cards.

And I'm pretty sure it isn't vacations cause when you get back all your responsibilities are there waiting on you.

In observing people I've noticed that there is a trend to typical goals.  Such as developing a side business,  getting corrective surgery,  partaking in a sport or excercise, taking up hobbies, getting involved with a group or organization, taking on a new career, growing a family or going back to school.

But all of these things are really just stuff to enjoy while taking up time to help make the days go by more quickly to reach those big far off goals.

When you really think about it a person can't really make plans for very much. Our lives are at the hands of our master. And while we may hope to accomplish certain goals it isn't really up to us whether or not we accomplish those goals unless it is a goal that has been directed to us by God.

Considering this I decided to check the handbook of life before I set any goals of my own and here it what it says:

So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him.
2 Corinthians 5:9 NLT

so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!
Philippians 3:11 NLT

Let love be your highest goal! But you should also desire the special abilities the Spirit gives—especially the ability to prophesy.
1 Corinthians 14:1 NLT

Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before.
1 Thessalonians 4:11 NLT

Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.
Galatians 1:10 NLT

So stay tuned while I am deciding what goals I need to be setting. In the meantime check out some of my earlier, funnier, less depressing posts to tie you over while I suffering through my small mental meltdown.

Pity party...everyone invited

So I've been in a bit of a slum lately.  Not just in this blog but just all around unhappy.

I can't seem to shake this feeling of worthlessness.  I go about my day, looking off into to space when the ladies are not needing my immediate attention. And I think "I am all alone. I have lost myself. I have no purpose. And no one even cares. All that I am is just pointless."

I have felt this way for quite some time. Then life happens and I push through. Putting my needs last. Correction. Ignoring my needs all together. And I fight through the days and weeks and months lying to myself that everything is ok. But it isn't.

I try some things for a while. Vitamins,  herbs, exercise, supplements, and now anti - depressants. But nothing works and all I've really done is buy myself some time thinking when the stuff gets into my system it will start to work and things will get better. But it doesn't.

I've all but given up on being happy for me. On someone wanting to talk to me about anything in my life that doesn't have to do with my kids or my husband. On having any non-one-sided friendships. On being recognized for who I am and not for who I'm associated with. On having a life outside my kids.

So what do I do?  I can't stay like this forever.  But the things I used to enjoy seem useless now.  Why is it when we are kids just doing things because we enjoyed it is good, but when we become adults a person has to have a reason to do something they enjoy because it isn't productive and it makes us feel guilty? Like we should be doing something better with our time. Thus we lose ourselves in our titles and forget those things that make us unique.

The bad part about it all,  I don't even know the first step in getting better.  I pray, everyday, that God would direct me and show me what to do, but I haven't felt any guidance toward anything.  The only thing I know to do is nothing.

Not clean, scarcely cook, hardly eat, barely talk. Just nothing. Till something enlightens me and I'm shown exactly what I need to be doing with myself.

And maybe complain a lot on here about my depressing mood and how I'm a miserable mess. Boo hoo hoo.