Pity party...everyone invited

So I've been in a bit of a slum lately.  Not just in this blog but just all around unhappy.

I can't seem to shake this feeling of worthlessness.  I go about my day, looking off into to space when the ladies are not needing my immediate attention. And I think "I am all alone. I have lost myself. I have no purpose. And no one even cares. All that I am is just pointless."

I have felt this way for quite some time. Then life happens and I push through. Putting my needs last. Correction. Ignoring my needs all together. And I fight through the days and weeks and months lying to myself that everything is ok. But it isn't.

I try some things for a while. Vitamins,  herbs, exercise, supplements, and now anti - depressants. But nothing works and all I've really done is buy myself some time thinking when the stuff gets into my system it will start to work and things will get better. But it doesn't.

I've all but given up on being happy for me. On someone wanting to talk to me about anything in my life that doesn't have to do with my kids or my husband. On having any non-one-sided friendships. On being recognized for who I am and not for who I'm associated with. On having a life outside my kids.

So what do I do?  I can't stay like this forever.  But the things I used to enjoy seem useless now.  Why is it when we are kids just doing things because we enjoyed it is good, but when we become adults a person has to have a reason to do something they enjoy because it isn't productive and it makes us feel guilty? Like we should be doing something better with our time. Thus we lose ourselves in our titles and forget those things that make us unique.

The bad part about it all,  I don't even know the first step in getting better.  I pray, everyday, that God would direct me and show me what to do, but I haven't felt any guidance toward anything.  The only thing I know to do is nothing.

Not clean, scarcely cook, hardly eat, barely talk. Just nothing. Till something enlightens me and I'm shown exactly what I need to be doing with myself.

And maybe complain a lot on here about my depressing mood and how I'm a miserable mess. Boo hoo hoo.