So, I guess it's about that time

Writing a blog is like writing "dear diary." Except everyone reads your diary and then shares it with their friends and then you walk around all suspicious that everyone is judging you because of your diary confessions. Yeah.

That's why I stopped writing, because life got so bad it was just embarrassing to keep writing about how bad it is.

Since then I've discovered this fact:

"Finding yourself," is a lifelong journey and you change everyday. Duh, right? But when you really think about it, you aren't the same person today as you were yesterday and the person you are today isn't who you are going to be tomorrow. Every experience and moment molds and shapes you into the person you become from day to day.

I think that I believed that once I stopped grieving my miscarriages I would find myself again and that everything would be ok. Like I was just going to wake up one day and BAM, I'd run right into myself. The truth is once something big happens in your life, like having a miscarriage, nothing will ever be the same. Ever. Yourself, takes on a new meaning. I died to my old self one piece at a time after each loss of life and at the realization that I was not going to have anymore children. Every day has taught me something new about myself.

Some days I know how to handle the new things and I take it in passing. Most days I find it hard to accept the development of my new life and resist it way too much creating much anguish in my life.

Now, I could sit here for hours and catch you up to speed on everything that has changed since the last time but I think I'll take the less is more approach and just tell you this:

I'm ok. I love myself. I don't want anymore kids. I love my almost 5 and almost 4 year olds. I'm going back to school to be a teacher and I love it. I'm trying to get use to the idea to sending my kids to school. My marriage is still a struggle everyday, but we love each other so it's ok. I have a few close friends now. I'm not bringing in any income. I have a loveable dog. I'm still emotional, rebellious, creative, artistic and brilliant but I really don't want to be labeled. And I love being me (in a healthy way).

So yeah, that's pretty much it. I'll catch you up as we go along. Come join the ride.

I Remember When

An original poem by none other.

I Remember When...

When sacrifice was a joy, your goal to make me smile.

When you were proud of me, loving me for me.

When work was just work, love was everything.

When your eyes adored me,  longing for my touch.

When I was your world,  nothing came between us.

When flowers,  laughter,  surprises,  dances,  jitters filled our life, 

   goosebumps emerged from your touch.

When you lifted me up, showed me off.

When you valued my opinion, memorized my every word.

When you comforted my heartache,  

   and others made me cry.

When I was yours, you were mine.

When I believed you,

When you said "I love you. "

I remember when...

Not so long ago.

I've got too much (clap clap)...

Recently I went to our church’s Mom-to-Mom get together to get out of the house and accomplish #1 and #2 on my Resolutions post. Make new friends and try new things. I had a good time. I got a break from the kids for about an hour and a half. I got to have conversations with adults of like minds and overall it was just what I needed to break up the week. If you have a chance to do this at your church or at my church, Praise Cathedral, I would highly recommend it. (Check out Prasieladies.org for details) Even if you don’t think you can get anything out of the topic being discussed, force yourself to do it anyway. I promise it will feed your soul.

Which is kind of the situation I found myself in at the meeting. The topic was Organization. Going in I thought, “I’m pretty organized, but I’m always open to suggestions, so, eh, I’ll give it a shot.” Oh man, I had no idea what I would learn about myself after it was all said and done. 

I have way too much time on my hands. I never thought I would say that. In fact I almost don’t even want to write it because I’m afraid all my free time will disappear. Gals (and Husband), I had done almost everything in each area of organization plus some. 

Just an example, one suggestion was to set aside time each week to do your meal planning and shopping and write out your grocery list. I was so embarrassed at how much free time I have I didn’t even tell anyone that I have 5 rotating grocery lists that I edit once every TWO weeks every other Friday afternoon. That is 10 weeks worth of meal planning I don’t even have to worry about. I know, amazing, right?

Another example under the “General Home Organization,” category suggests routinely getting rid of clutter about every 6 months to a year. Go through your home and get rid of anything you don’t use any more. I didn’t speak up on this one either. Every month I go through an area of our home (a drawer, a closet, under the bed, the storage building, the toys, the kids rooms, etc.) and purge, reorganize and group similar items into their own special container of some sort. EVERY MONTH. 

The last example involves cleaning. One suggestion was to tackle one cleaning task each day. You know, laundry on Mondays, dust on Tuesdays, vacuum on Wednesdays. Things like that. First of all, I don’t know who wrote the book we were studying from, but she must have been single because if I waited to do laundry once a week everyone would be running around naked and that would be about the only thing I’d have time for that day. On an average week I do 8 loads of laundry.  If it is an especially dirty or cold week (i.e. snow) you can bet I’m gonna do 10 to 12 loads of laundry a week. And thank God I don’t have to do diaper laundry anymore because that was 3 loads a week by itself. 

Second of all, I could not imagine cleaning my bathroom or dusting or vacuuming every week. I guess I should probably mention here that I hate to clean. So here is what I do. I have a reminder app on my phone and when I clean something for the fist time (since I downloaded the app) I insert what I did into the app and tell it to remind me to do that thing again in 2 weeks, a month, 3 months, 6 months, whenever I feel like it will need to be done again. For example in my phone it is telling me that it is time to cut Rosy’s nails. Saturday I need to vacuum. In 2 months it will be time to clean my washing machine. Everything I’ve ever cleaned is in their with a reminder to do it again sometime in the future. The only thing that isn’t in there is a reminder to clean the windows because I haven’t been able to force myself to do that yet. Obsessive much?

And then with all that over the top organization I still have time to sit outside in the sun and write this. I realized walking away from that meeting that I have a lot to be thankful for. I am truly blessed and that the reason I’ve been so stir crazy is because I really do have too much time on my hands and I am bored. 

So what am I to do? Nothing. I’m happy with being bored. It’s when I find the time to think, spend some time to myself, read, pray, write, whatever I feel like doing or not doing at that time. I’m okay with that. When it warms up I'll be spending more time out of the house and doing more things wIth my family so my time will eventually be filled up soon. 

Sure there is still a ton of stuff I could do right now, but I’ve learned I CANNOT be the perfect mother, wife, friend, person no matter how much extra time I have or what I try to accomplish. I accept my strengths like organizing, planning and teaching my kids life skills. I also accept my weaknesses like cleaning, being awkward in group discussions, and being an emotional wreck sometimes. I am happy to excel in the areas I’m good at and ask for help in areas I suck at. 

I encourage you to do the same. We can’t do it all. But everything we do can be done well. We can’t be perfect but each one of us is a beloved child of God and he can help us with our weaknesses.

In my case that would be getting off my butt and finally cleaning that thing my phone has been reminding to do for 2 weeks. 

Or maybe not.   :)

Missing my two year old

I read a good bit of mom blogs and I’ve noticed that there are 2 types. There is the kind where the moms barely mention their kids and you start to wonder if they really do have kids. And then there is the kind that is all about their kids and you wonder if they are insane and if they ever do anything that doesn’t involve their kids.

My blog posts thus far have mostly resembled the first kind. But, I don’t want my readers to get the wrong idea about me. There has to be a balance. My kids are a HUGE part of my life and I love them more than anything in this world. So, it only makes sense to write about them occasionally.

Their birthdays’ have just came and passed so I thought this would be an appropriate time to write about my Ladies. This will be a 2-part post, sense obviously, I have 2 kids and they each deserve their own post.

Welcome to part 1.

Lydia turned 3 years old yesterday, February 17. Three years old! I can’t believe how quickly time flies by. Every year that passes is bittersweet. Our kids are getting older, which is nice. They don’t need me to do everything for them all the time. But, with it comes new problems and difficulties.

I loved the Twos for both our girls. Whoever came up with the term “Terrible twos,” did not have children like mine. They were so fun. Everything was new and exciting. Everything that came out of their mouths was hilarious and adorable. They were so cute in their little clothes with their little bodies that still had their baby fat and little puffy faces. They had pretty much outgrown all the baby stuff and every day with a 2 year old was amazing as they discovered all the cool things in their world.

The Threes however, has shown to be completely different. About a month ago Lydia started arguing, asserting herself, stealing from her playmates, fussing, bossing and telling us "NO." Ooo wee. I was thinking “what happened to my sweet little girl who was so eager to please, well behaved and tenderhearted?” Oh yeah. She’s about to be 3 and she is starting to push her limits. Naptimes will become shorter or nonexistent and “mommy,” will become “mom.”

‘Tis the year of personality and identity. Finding her place in the world and figuring out exactly what we will let her get away with and what is unacceptable. Just when I was starting to get comfortable with reminders instead of time-outs she unleashes the beast on me.

Delores went through the same thing. Her entire third year I thought she was never going to get it. There were even days where I doubted I could deal with her anymore and of course, I doubted myself.

Honestly, I’m pretty sad about this. Lydia has been my baby. It is going to be hard to get stricter on her and I’m not looking forward to it. I know this is an important milestone in her life which, if she comes out unharmed, will be the determining point in her life where she learns to deal with failure, disappointments, treating others with kindness and empathy, developing language and how to get her point across effectively, developing her outlook on life either positively or negatively and learning to love the Lord with all her heart, soul and mind. It is the most difficult year because thus far I have noticed that this is the most important year for social and emotional growth. Being the person who is with her the most and shaping her everyday I understand I have a big responsibility to her this year. It is up to me to show her the way and develop her love for Christ. That is just a little intimidating.

To me she will always be my sweet baby. Sensitive to other people’s needs and feelings and a funny little actress. It will be interesting to see how she grows and changes this year. But really, can the Three’s just be over with already, please?!

 

Ps. Please enjoy the following pictures of the progression of her life.

Teaching my husband

As I’m sure all of you are well aware we had a good bit of snow this week. So I’m not going to go into how wonderful it was as first and how stir-crazy we got on day #3. It’s all over the internet and you probably felt the same way, so I’ll spare you the boring repeat.

I do want to bring up one wonderful thing about the snow though. Josh got to spend some extra time with us. It was great having him here during the week and really nice getting to spend some extra time together. If I had to be snowed in and trapped in my home I’d definitely want Josh to be the one I went crazy with.

Although, I’m not quite sure he felt the same way. He walked around like a person lost in a maze. Confused about exactly what he should be doing. But, life went on as usual. 

Just because county schools were closed all around us didn’t mean we were going to take time off from our school work. So Josh sat patiently at the table with the Ladies listening to me teach them about February holidays and celebrations after Lydia so sweetly asked me if I would teach daddy too.

This was the first time Josh had ever witnessed lesson time so neither one of us really knew what to expect. All was going well until right towards the end. He started encouraging Lydia to cheat instead of following through with each step. Then he started playing with the material. Finally, he started making jokes when the Ladies were supposed to be working quietly. Ugh! 

I had to fuss at him like a little kid—"JOSH-U-A!" Shoot him those looks like “Will you please stop?!” and mutter under my breath “you are encouraging bad behavior!”

It was pretty funny actually, but still a little irritating. I could imagine him back in elementary school acting out, not paying attention, fiddling with supplies or his pencil instead of doing his work, making jokes when the class is supposed to be working quietly. I giggled to myself after he responded to each offense with a bashfully whispered “Sorry.” 

Teaching and helping my husband in life is much easier than teaching him school. I feel for his previous teachers and his mother. I wouldn’t want to do that everyday, that’s for sure.

I love that man. He can be frustrating sometimes, but that laughter and lightened mood he brought to the table (literally) this week was exactly what we all needed to beat cabin fever.

I Don't do Valentine's day

When Josh and I first married we bought into the idea that Valentine’s Day had to be special. The one day a year that was designated to show those special people in your life how much they mean to you. It seemed like a great idea. You could be as gushy and romantic as you wanted with the perfect excuse. 

Then we had kids. Finding the time to celebrate this special day became more and more difficult because places were always packed out the day of or the weekend of and finding a baby sitter who didn’t already have plans was a real pain.

As the years went by Valentine’s Day became more and more stressful and less and less romantic and meaningful. When our relationship was at it’s lowest point Valentine’s day seemed so forced neither one of us enjoyed it and we were going through the motions more than we were showing the other person how much we loved and cared for them.

But as our relationship took a turn for the better and continued to grow we realized that it was important to take the time to be romantic and attentive everyday. Little things we do for each other shows the other person how appreciated and valuable they are to our lives. Doing something big together or for the other person every once in a while, maybe once a month, really has helped to keep the fire burning in our relationship.

Truthfully, I had almost forgot about the big V-day because Lydia’s birthday is just 3 days after. Then we came to the ladies’ lessons this week based on February holidays and I was forced to think about what I was going to do for the ladies and Josh on that seemingly very important day of the year.

I thought about our past years of Valentine’s celebrations, the good and the bad, and I decided that I don’t really care about Valentine’s Day at all. The pressure to perform one day a year and do something grand is just not something I’m willing to concern myself with. 

Also, if you know me at all, you probably know that I don’t like to do anything anyone tells me I have to do. Except for God. Society, the calendar, even the ladies lessons, all encourage this dramatic show of love and affection this one day a year, but I really just don’t want to do it. 

My family knows I love them because I show them everyday. Do I really want to somehow make them think that I am withholding any love from them every other day of the year when I go above and beyond one day out of the year? 

I want to encourage my husband and my children to show their love and appreciation for the people they love whenever the mood strikes them. And I want to encourage them to do it often. Not just wait for one day of the year to do special things for the special people in their lives.

If you think I’m being a little dramatic about this and think that celebrating one lovey dovey holiday a year can’t possibly interfere my husband and kids actions to show their love every other day of the year all you need to do is talk to my husband. He became the spokesperson for this theory early in our relationship. He would withhold love and affection and showing how much he cared for me until holidays came so that those special days of the year would be big and dramatic.  That might be okay for some people, but that’s not okay with me. 

I needed all his attention, affection and appreciation whenever he is near me everyday of the year (with the exception of the attention he gives to the Lewis Ladies of course). If I could have that I would willingly give up those special holidays. That is where we are now. He has learned how to meet my needs and speak my love language. I am happy. What do I need a holiday for? I celebrate our love everyday. 

I hope that your Valentines’ Day is great if you choose to participate, but if it isn’t for whatever reason, I encourage you to think about my philosophy. Start showing everyone you love how much you love them everyday by doing little special things for them that you would normally save for a special occasion and you will begin to receive it in return.

Love and the act of showing love are contagious. And if you think you might be one of those people who doesn’t have anyone to love in order to be shown love in return, remember there is a God in heaven that loves you more than you can ever imagine. Show him your appreciation and love and he will reward you. 

“Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back. (Luke 6:38, NLT)”

So Happy Friday to you all and may your lives be filled with affectionate love and appreciation EVERYDAY!

Memory lapse

After I publish a blog post I don’t normally re read it. I’ve spent all the time I’m willing to spend on it putting all my business out there. Reading it again would just make me question myself and whether I really should have written something for the world (ok, like maybe 20 people) to see.

Last night though I decided I would read everything I’ve posted lately because something I was writing about seemed vaguely familiar. Sure enough, in the third post I read, there it was.

Curiously I read the rest of the posts and after I was done I was like “Hey self, that was some pretty good advice. Why am I not following it?”

The only explanation I can come up with is that since I don’t re read my posts after I publish them maybe they aren’t sticking when I give myself solid advice. Another reason may be that I’ve been so numb lately I can barely remember whether or not I’ve already shampooed my hair in the shower.

That may seem a little scary to some of you, but I promise if you are one of those people who depend on me for certain responsibilities there is no need to worry. I’m a completely functional depressed, hormonally “sane,” woman. Honest.

I am human after all. I think we as a society buy into this belief that we are all supposed to be so perfectly happy that we feel like we have to hide our bad days and fake our way through life. Well, life just ain’t like that so-ci-e-ty (Nana-nana-boo-boo voice, of course). Stuff happens. And even when stuff isn’t happening sometimes it’s just hard to be happy.

That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or can’t take care of my responsibilities. It just means I’m sad. That’s all. I don’t have the plague despite the fact that people all over Facebook appear to have caught the blues too. Treat me as you would any other sad person.

However, I am going to start taking some of my good advice and get over this funk I keep falling back into. What was it again?

Oh yeah, Get over it!

So, I just wanted to let everyone know, all 20 of you, that I’m going on record that this will be my last post on this issue. I need to pull my self out of the mud and start looking at the world and my life with rose colored glasses.

Yes, it will still be hard and I will still have bad days (and also not much to write about) but wallowing in my sadness is not going to make it any better. I have good friends and family who care about me and want to help me and that is all I can ask for.

Well, that, and maybe some better pills.